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NOTES FROM THE NUMIVERSE: 26 LIFE LESSONS MY BURNING MAN EXPERIENCE TAUGHT ME

Posted on September 8, 2014November 5, 2018 by Ruby Warrington

Confession: My Burning Man Experience was too full-on to be called fun, says Ruby Warrington. But when it comes to life lessons, a week on the Playa delivered pure gold.

So I wasn’t planning to write about my Burning Man Experience (BME). And not because ‘what-happens-on-the-Playa-stays-on-the-Playa,’ but because I have been embarrassed to admit that I didn’t have THE MOST AWESOME TIME OF MY LIFE. I feel like this is the response my friends all were all expecting when they asked, with the utmost and cutest enthusiasm, to hear my tales; ‘OMG how was it?!?!?!?!’ Because ‘I had the time of my life,’ is pretty much the standard response when you ask people about their BME.

But Burning Man is HARD. It forces to you face yourself in ways we have devised so very many modern distractions (television, the internet, flushing toilets, retail therapy) to avoid. It is also a hot, horny, fear-and-loathing-inducing humdinger of a festival, and considering the only way I could ever do Glastonbury was by staying in a local B & B where the owners gave us a glass of chilled Chablis before we headed into the fray each day, I should perhaps have guessed that my BME would kind of be a challenge.

But if I’ve learned ANYTHING this year (thanks to this lady in particular), it’s that challenges are what we human beings are here for! And that a fully textured life is always about the road less travelled. So friends, followers, here are the vital and sometimes evolutionary lessons my BME taught me:

We are hopelessly addicted to stuff: Witness hundreds of Burners buying up literally the entire contents of Walmart in Reno in preparation for a week of ‘radical self-reliance’ in the desert. Next year (oh yes, there will be a ‘next year’) I pledge to make ‘minimalism’ my motto.

Enforced fun can still be fun: We’d been on the road for pretty much 40 hours straight (give or take a whiskey-infused power nap) by the time my friend Sophie and I made it through the gates to hunt down our fellow campers – leaving my husband Simon in what was shaping up to be an 8-hour wait in ‘will call’ for his ticket. As a BM ‘virgin’ it was the greeters’ job to make me lie down on the Playa and make a ‘dust-angel’ to mark my entry. I was not in the mood, but getting to lie down for a minute did put a smile on my face.

Anticipation is the mother of the anti-climax: Even if you haven’t been to BM, you know what BM looks like, right? This is because we live in the information age, goddamnit, and sites (like this one) won’t stop publishing pictures of Black Rock City and its freaky-deeky population. I actually kind of hated myself for not being ‘in awe’ of what I saw out on the Playa my first day. Was I that jaded? But I basically saw exactly what I saw in the images and YouTube clips I’d GORGED on before the event. In fact, if you haven’t been to BM and you think you might go at some point in the future, maybe stop reading now. The joy of discovery is a beautiful thing.

But nothing can prepare you for the TRIP that is your first night on the Playa: Thankfully you can’t photograph a feeling, and here’s a sensation you’ve never got to experience before and will never experience anywhere else. It’s just you, your bike and a sea of LEDs. No roads, no rules, no edge separating Earth from the rest of the Universe.

Being an Aries with Sag rising and Cancer Moon makes for a very conflicted camper (see above re. Glastonbury): The Aries and the Sag want PARTIES, PEOPLE, ADVENTURE! The Cancer needs ALL MY CREATURE COMFORTS, INCLUDING LOTS OF PRIVACY, ALL THE TIME. Yikes.

And…if you have a Water Moon, try to camp with at least one other Water Moon: My gift to my beautiful fellow campers was a personal astro reading, so I had all their chart information ahead of time. And wouldn’t you know, I was headed into a desert storm of pure Fire and Earth. Which of course made for the most incredible camp set-up (fully functioning kitchen, hand-washing station, outdoor shower – with curtain, evaporation pool for our grey water) and a consistent party vibe (mushrooms for breakfast, a carefully calculated six cans of beer per person, per day, plus a seemingly limitless supply of spirits). But my goodness, the outpouring of emotions when I finally managed to track down my friend Tali, and her blessed Scorpio Moon.

I am a total music snob: Tali says it’s because I’m an Aries, who she always admires for our “discernment” (erm, I believe “arrogance” is another adjective associated with my sign). But I also blame (again) my Cancer Moon. To make me move, music has to have soul. Worse, anything that can be loosely categorised as dubstep, breakbeat, trap, minimal techno, EDM or drum ‘n’ bass actually causes a physical reaction in my body that feels a lot like anger. WFT? Even if I’ve taken really amazing drugs (not that I necessarily think drugs are amazing, see below). Unfortunately, these seem to be the preferred genres of most DJs manning the art cars and sound systems at BM, providing a 24-7 soundtrack to life on the Playa straight out of my worst musical nightmare. But thank f*** for a camp called Basshenge!!! Pumping out a soulful, heartbeat bassline that kept me dancing in the dust ‘til dawn, I <3 Basshenge.

Sound clash is sleep deprivation for the soul: The only thing worse than waking up to a full on trap set happening right next to your RV at 9am, is a full on drum ‘n’ bass set happening 10 feet away at the same time. Note to organisers: my friend Gina had a lovely idea – “an hour of silence” every day. (Note to self: add a set of noise cancelling headphones to the minimal ‘must-haves’ list for next year)

*“Love is Love”, especially in the desert*

“No critters live in the desert”: How cool is this – apparently there’s a special camp in BRC for people to drop off random animals and bugs they find in their camp. This is because, seeing as the desert conditions are too harsh for any living thing to survive (erm, no shit), any “critters” have to have travelled in with you. Even better, there’s some kind of Dr Doolittle animal sanctuary outside the Playa where they all get deposited after the event. What a fun time we had imagining how that little man-made ecosystem is progressing year-on-year!

But BRC is actually a very safe place for humans to live: Discussing the medical room stats listed in the Black Rock Gazette one morning, our camp-mate Bryan (a professional anaesthetist – which, yes, makes for some very interesting conversations about recreational use of ketamine) was able to confirm that the incidence of accident and injury is way lower than the average American metropolis. Despite the lack of rules and policing, and the disproportionately high incidence of all-day intoxication in BRC.

A mini torch makes the best MOOP: Okay, I might have fallen off my bike riding over it out in the deep Playa, but having a mini torch to strap to my Vega Jewelry crystal necklace was a revelation – literally! Mainly down to no more hold-your-breath-and-guess moments in the porta-potties in the dead of night. Yay PERSONAL ILLUMINATION!

The Playa is not a beach: It is a beautiful, uncompromising, arid, dust-bowl. Not to be confused with somewhere to kick back, relax and sink a few cold ones before cooling off in the surf.

Hedonism is one of the deepest expressions of human spirituality: Since when did hedonism get such a bad name anyway?? In the dictionary, it’s defined as – the belief that pleasure or happiness is the most important goal in life. The fact that people will go to so much effort in the pursuit of this ideal, suggests to me a serious pleasure/happiness-unbalance in our daily lives. And being happy means being better equipped to want to contribute to other people’s happiness. This is one of the best BM lessons of all.

Men, even gay men, think very long, wavy hair is sexy. Even if it’s green: I have never received more compliments from the opposite sex than the night I donned this wig. This must be why women get addicted to hair extensions. And doesn’t it say something interesting about gender representation? No matter how progressive the humans, the Disney Princess vision of female beauty still holds sway.

“Radical self-expression” = a lot of costume clichés: See top hats, striped meggings, faux-fur moon boots, leather bras…and green wigs. Turns out most of us humans actually prefer to conform, and a couple of days into the 80kg dressing up box of sequins, wigs and fake tattoos I’d lugged from Brooklyn, I too became acutely aware that I was actually putting together a series of ‘Burning Man outfits’ that were less about an expression of my own personal style than a desire to fit in. I worked in fashion for a long time, I know what that is. Next year I’m just gonna pack a bikini, some Teeki yoga pants, and my boiler suit (below), which is what I ended up feeling most ‘me’ in.

I might have had my Burning Man moment a decade (and a half) ago in Ibiza: Between the ages of 24 and 32, I made a twice-yearly pilgrimage to the ‘spiritual’ party island of Ibiza. And daytime dancing at Distrikt, downing shots of Whisky with old gay dudes in leather skirts, riding out at night into a sea of LEDs, allowing myself to merge with the Cosmos out on the edge of the Playa…was basically flashback central to then. What I got from ‘the Ibiza years’ was a sense of connection to a tribe of likeminded hedonists, a deep respect for the numinous beauty of nature and a lot of dancing in the sand beneath the stars. Sound familiar? So now I know I’ve ‘been there, done that’, time to set some new intentions for my BM experience next year.

The best Bloody Mary’s are frozen Bloody Mary’s: But what you don’t get in Ibiza, is some dude named Dave serving up the most incredible frozen Bloody Mary’s (just freeze the mix and stir in lashings of vodka as it melts) in exchange for a sweaty hug. In Ibiza the Bloody Marys will set you back $25.

In no way, shape or form do drug highs measure up to spiritual highs: I first took E when I was 14, and it helped me understand a whole other plane of human existence (not to mention get out of facing my feelings about my parent’s divorce). It took about 20 years for me to realize that seeing as that veil had already been lifted, I would never experience the same sense of ‘enlightenment’ from drugs again – and that in fact, taking drugs is kind of like opening the door to your soul to an unknown entity and handing over the controls (which is why a lot of drug highs feel so scary). There are lots of drugs at BM, and part of my brain (the drunk part) still believes in those kind of highs. But experience – mainly experiences of the numinous variety – has shown me that when your soul is allowed to navigate its own route to bliss, there is no fear, there is no comedown and there is UNLIMITED POTENTIAL FOR PERSONAL GROWTH.

But take enough and you might experience time travel: So my friend-who-shall-remain-nameless met a ‘medicine woman’ dancing at Robot Heart, and asked; ‘what can I learn from you?’ They spent the next 24 hours together out in the deep Playa, during which time the medicine woman gave my friend ‘more drugs than I’ve taken in my life – cocaine, LSD, mushrooms, molly’, and my friend claims she experienced time travel and understood that immortality is entirely possible. Those are the kind of drug experiences I guess I would like to have, but am basically scared s***less of.

Even in the deepest of Playa, where you literally feel like you are on the edge of the Cosmos, a tweaking raver from Liverpool will hunt you down and try to fill your head with her relationship problems: Know that you do not have to let this totally kill your mushroom buzz, and that it is always within your power to simply stand up, kiss her goodnight and ride away.

*Sunset: navigating the duality of night and day*

Life is an exercise in duality: Clean, dirty; give, receive; high, low; hot, cold. All of which it feels like BM is set up to make ABUNDANTLY CLEAR.

Whiskey Flats RV park (Hawthorn, NV) is the Park Hyatt of RV parks: Okay maybe our perspective was somewhat skewed…but man, I could have kissed the pristine, floral-scented toilet when we stopped off here on our way back to Vegas to clean our RV and empty the putrid ‘black water’ tank. Oh and they also have free coffee and a Laundromat!! I’ve always loved doing laundry. Doing it here was like doing laundry on ecstasy. This is the website in case you need it for next year.

Digital cold turkey isn’t difficult: I’m addicted as the best of us, but I can honestly say I didn’t miss social media or email ONCE during my BME. I even found it hard to let it back into my life, like I’d got a newfound respect for exactly how DICTATOR-LIKE it is. The sense of serenity that comes from being offline is blissful, and observing my online life from the other side I was able to witness the physical, emotional and intellectual hold technology has on us. But, you know, now I’m fully back on the juice and loving it.

I am actually obsessed with the Body’s Ability To Bounce Back (BABB): Okay it’s taken a week to muster the brain cells and the discipline to get this post together, but that’s a lot to do with the fact I’ve also spent a lot of time marvelling at how GOOD IT FEELS to inch my way back into the healthful, spiritually aligned, fully embodied state I usually seek to maintain (a.k.a. get over the comedown). Bryan (the anaesthetist) said he still marvels daily at the BABB, how our organism is consistently seeking to bring itself into balance. Seriously, gotta love the BABB.

Even in the most Mystical of Worlds, I am very much a Material Girl: But I’ve always been pretty upfront about that one, hey.

My life is really freaking awesome: Since my return to the ‘default’ world, I’ve been feeling THE IMMENSEST AMMOUNT OF GRATITUDE FOR – in no particular order of wonderfulness – being clean, fresh water and the sewage system, work that brings me so much satisfaction and helps me define my ‘edges’, electricity, the bond I share with my beautiful husband, groceries, my cat purring, blowdries, the Internet. And an event like Burning Man, for helping me TRULY appreciate the fact.

Burningman.com

INDIA TRIPPIN: DRESSING THE INTERNATIONAL GYPSET

Posted on September 4, 2014November 5, 2018 by Ruby Warrington

Naz Onderoglu of Williamsburg’s new global style hub Soot & Tusk gets the spiritual scoop on Ilgin Utin’s India Trippin’ collection. Because it’s always about the journey…

If an open door beckons to you, please stumble in. On a recent stroll through Williamsburg, BK, we did exactly that, and soon found ourselves in fashion heaven – aka Soot & Tusk, a new boutique bursting with cool creations from independent designers across the globe. Founders Naz, Noyan and Veranika are as international a line-up as the clothes that lines the racks, and leads come from everywhere; “we travel, ask our friends or search all over the internet to find like-minded labels. So spread word, we’re looking for new designers all the time!” says Naz.

Designers like Ilgin Utin, whose incredible India Trippin’ collection is featured in this post. Erm, obsessed much? We asked Naz to reach out to Ilgin (modelling her own designs here) to get the inside scoop…

When were you last ‘India Trippin’?
“I spent four months in India this winter, searching for what money can’t buy and finding my lost spirit, which it’s easy to forget about in my Western life. I had come to a point where I’d lost all interest in material life and my career goals had become meaningless. I realised I had been living in future, not in the moment, and my India trip helped me reconnect with the ‘now’, as well as my creativity.”

How does the country inspire you as an artist?
“Initially it helped me remember the artsy mood of my childhood, but I also found a spiritual connection there which made everything meaningful again and I came to a conclusion that I had to integrate my spirit with my material work. In India, the colourful, fancy and extravagant material expressions are reflections of inner beauty, infused with this ancient, immortal culture of imagination. Seeing real people applying this creativity in their lives, I also figured out that you don’t need to do any research on the internet to be able to understand everything.”

What’s the most mystical experience you had there?
“I had this foresight that I’d find a guru who will lead me on a mystical tour to unknown places and states of minds. But it wasn’t about this. There was no big mystery, I simply felt more grounded and connected to nature, as well as the consciousness that we are all a part of.

Really, no stories?
“Well okay. I was traveling alone in Coorg following my passion for spices and herbs, and I ended up staying on a mountain homestay with a local family. When I met the guy he told me I was the only Muslim traveller that had ever come there, so he was so excited to introduce me his family. I went their 100-year-old house on the mountains, where there were no neighbours, only nature. On meeting his amazing family, I ended up stayed there for a whole week as they insisted.

“I quickly fell into remote village life, speaking Hindu with the mother, being a sister to his son. At nights we had deep conversations about life, and he would tell stories which were basic and pure, but also so illuminating. Of course, he didn’t know I was in a search of guru, but he told me ‘you can stay here as long as you want, we don’t expect anything in return you, but take me as your guru!’ This made me understand that everybody is a guru, from whom I could learn self-realization.”

Describe the woman you are designing for – who is your muse?
“A woman with lots of confidence, with no hesitations and who doesn’t want to hide in the crowd. She likes to be noticed, but she shows up as her inner self, her child spirit. She is very much optimistic, colorful and enjoying life. I don’t have muses, but imaginary characters that I design for. She’s the woman that I want to be.”

What’s your astrological sign, and how does it help define your aesthetic?
“I’m an Aquarius, and I think defines my personality, my lifestyle and my mentality. I believe I am really creative, free spirited, independent, reliable, outgoing, sophisticated and individual because of my sign. I know I born this way. My aesthetic is something I’ve developed by visiting and experiencing so many different cultures, and I’m always in progress and expanding my vision.”

Getting dressed in the morning, what’s your ‘fashion mantra’?
“I never prepare my clothes the day before. So my mantra is; ‘put on your mood!’”

For more information about when Ilgin Utin’s India Trippin’ collection will be available contact [email protected]

@ilginutin

FEET ON THE GROUND: A YOGA SEQUENCE FOR VIRGO

Posted on August 26, 2014November 4, 2018 by Ash Bonelli

As Virgo brings its back-to-school energy of diligence and efficiency, Ash Baker shares some grounding poses to bring purification and clarity. PLUS a meditation to purge your fears ad connect you to the innate gifts within.

VIRGO
August 23 to September 22nd

Ruler: Mercury
Element: Earth
Modality: Mutable
Anatomy: Intestines, upper bowel. gallbladder, liver, pancreas and nervous system

6th sign of the Zodiac

The pure and curious creatures of the skies come out from the Cosmic woodwork to say hello this month. As we enter the earthy sign of Virgo, you may feel the winds of change begin to beckon. This month is about an ushering in of the first feelings of Autumn, and a deliciously crisp edge to the atmosphere reminding you to harvest what you’ve been working on.

Virgoans are all about service, purity, analysis and self-containment. All of which characteristics can be used to our utmost advantage. Being in service is gratitude in action and a much needed practice for living in the present. It inspires us to be grounded in a system of a high moral code. Analysis is POWER when used to discern what your heart and soul needs most. Just be careful not to over analyze yourself! And this sign teaches us that when we use self-containment to fill ourselves up with that which we need (gratitude, self love, and truth) we become an unstoppable force of light.

In honor of the Virgo energy that infuses our existence now, here are three poses to detox your whole body, strengthen your liver and calm your nerves. If you have time, flow through a few rounds of Sun Salutes to warm up the body before you move into the more static postures below.

Half Lord Of the Fishes // Ardha Matsyendrasana

Find a comfortable seat with your legs stretched out in front of you. Begin to draw your knees up and drop the left bent knee down to the left. Your left foot should be tucked just under your right seat. Then cross the right foot over the left leg and place it down next to the mid outer hip. This leg will stay upright with the knee towards the ceiling.

Inhale and reach the right arm up, exhale with a slight twist and place it behind your right seat. Take the left upper arm and elbow either around the outside of the right knee or to the outer right hip. This is a deep twist so use your inhales to gather length in your spine and twist deeper on the exhales.

Remember, the twist should be happening in the mid to upper spine. Think ribs up! Hold for five rounds of deep breath and then repeat on the other side.

*Gratitude practice: Inhale and think of something you are grateful for. Exhale and energetically let it surround you.

Bridge Pose // Setu Bandha Sarvangasana

This asana offers specific benefits to your liver by strengthening the core muscles that support it. Come down to lie on your back and bend your knees. If you have neck issues take a folded blanket under your shoulders to assist in creating a natural cervical curve.

Make sure your feet are directly under your knees. Rest your arms at your sides. Take a deep inhale through the nose. On your exhale begin to tuck your tailbone, activating the glutes and press your lower back down against the floor. Allow the exhale to lift your hips off the floor. Bring your shoulder blade tips closer together creating space in the front shoulders and collarbone.

Take your arms underneath and clasp your hands together. Press the forearms, hands and feet firmly into the floor. Release on an exhale and slowly wave your spine to the floor. Stay with this pose for 30 seconds up to 1 minute.

*Do not turn your head in this pose.

Supported Shoulderstand // Salamba Sarvangasana

Begin by folding two blankets into a rectangle shape about one-foot by two-foot. Come to lie on your back with the knees bent and your feet on the floor. Make sure the top two-foot edge of your blanket is lined up with the tops of your shoulders. Your head should be resting on the floor. Inhale, and on your exhale place your arms at your sides.

Firmly press your arms down into the floor as you draw your knees up and your thighs in towards your chest. Take a bend at the elbows making sure they are in alignment with your shoulders and place your palms on the small of your back for support. Begin to really curl your tailbone and extend the legs straight up towards the ceiling while simultaneously walking the hands up the back towards the floor.

Reach up through your toes and focus on bringing your chest towards your chin. Maintain a nice curve to your neck and do not turn your head. Hold this for 30 seconds if you’re a beginner, or more advanced yogis can hold up to five minutes.

To come down, exhale while gently bringing your knees towards your chest and roll the spine out long.

*Allow your body to relax and soak up the benefits of these poses!

You are a jar of stars meditation // Cosmic canned goods

Find a blissful space to sprawl out under a blanket. Maybe even under the moon and stars. Take an inhale for the length of five seconds, hold the breath in for five seconds and exhale for the length of five seconds. Go through 10 rounds of this more controlled breath. Then find a nice, soft rhythmic breath that suits you and place both hands on your belly.

See yourself laying there in your mind’s eye. Understand your body as a container for anything you wish to either get rid of or cultivate. Virgos are masters of discernment and can be an example when it comes to weeding out what we do or don’t want. As you inhale find the positive strengths you possess and view them expanding within you. You are your own cosmic universe.

As you exhale, visualize letting go of the negative junk that makes you feel sad or insecure. Allow your body to be a vessel for change. Lay here as long as you wish.

Monthly Mantra: I am the master of my own domain and I honor my truth.

Cultivatewithin.com

@missashbaker

ESCAPE TO EDEN: IS BURNING MAN A SPRITUAL GAME CHANGER?

Posted on August 21, 2014November 5, 2018 by Ruby Warrington

Is making the pilgrimage to Burning Man a spiritual game-changer, or can that change only occur within? The conscious party scene can be a portal for sure, but there’s no fast track to enlightenment, says David H. Wagner. Homepage image: Elena Kulikova via Behance.net

Recently, I shared an email exchange with a young seeker in our community. She was considering making it to Burning Man this summer. I have to preface this whole thing by saying I have nothing against BM. I have dear friends and colleagues that go every year, I think it’s actually pretty cool. Overall, I’m glad it exists.

This could just as easily be written about a South American Shamanic Retreat, or a hot new weekend workshop, or someone signing up for a Yoga Teacher Training. It just so happens it’s about BM. That aside, I think there are valuable points in here about the cross pollination between yoga, spiritual disciplines, partying, and consciousness expanding drug use. Here’s a snippet from the email:

“As an elder in this spiritual scene I’ve seen so much of this over the years. I’m not against partying – and the kind of partying at Burning Man is probably a lot more positive than other party scenes you’ll find. But if you choose to go – just be clear what you’re getting into. Many people will talk about it like it’s a spiritually ‘game changing’ experience – but in many ways it’s just a slightly spiritualized party.

You might experience a little anarchy, or get naked in public, or take some E or some acid, or smoke some weed, or dance all night, or have ‘deep conversations’ with people while doing any of the above. And if you were TOTALLY closed before that, or TOTALLY uptight or TOTALLY un-awakened then it’s true that any of these experiences could be profound…”

True. If I could send my conservative Kentuckian cousins to Burning Man, they might come back transformed. But the young seeker I was writing to was already very open-minded and in the process of awakening, and looking for training and a deepening of her experience. Here’s some more:

“Anyone can FEEL free taking E and dancing naked at Burning Man. But feeling free and learning to BE free are two different things.

And…too much of the former actually can hinder the experience of awakening. In all my years working on a spiritual level with people, there have been only a handful of people I really couldn’t help. Among them the ones who’ve burned their neurotransmitters out on E, or built up a whole quasi-spiritual identity based on these external experiences. In my experience, getting high prevents people from learning to be high.

These sorts of experiences are good doorways – if the doors are stuck. But the idea is to then walk through them. You don’t hang around the doorway, or deify the door, or the openers. You move forward, you find your vision for life. You live your vision.

Ram Dass has awesome teachings about all this. Once he asked his guru Neem Karoli Baba about using drugs as a spiritual means. The Maharaji said; ‘You can use it to see Christ. But you can’t use it to become Christ’.”

Don’t get me wrong, I’m all into experiencing new things. The thing is, when people rave about the experience (pun intended), I think that’s more about the raver than the rave. People can have deep experiences even at super hokey things. It’s the same when people have been in the presence of great masters and have been exposed to great practices and teachings, but only a handful get the deep benefits. It’s what’s going on inside that counts.

WOMAN IN BLACK: DRESSING TO HONOR THE DEATH CARD

Posted on August 17, 2014November 4, 2018 by Gabriela Herstik

When she decided to shave half her head and dress only in black, it was an homage to the unyielding potential of the Death card, says Gaby Herstik. Photos: Alexandra Herstik

My passion for what lies beyond the life we see, for spirituality and the occult, began when I was 12. That passion is something that alienated me, but it also gave me what I needed to truly find myself at a young age. At 16 I shaved off half of my long, brown hair, and began the process of fully growing into myself and finding my own personal style.

I decided to attend the University of South Carolina to study fashion merchandising and print journalism, an unusual decision considering Columbia, USC’s home, doesn’t necessarily condone pitch black hair, bright red lips, half shaved heads and eccentric clothes; all the hallmarks of my look.

But I never even considered attempting to change myself to blend in to my surroundings in Columbia. Early on my freshman year, I made a conscious decision to pretend I was in New York City, and to dress how I wanted to dress no matter what. No matter the side eyes, the questioning glances or the open mouth gapes; I decided to wear whatever it was that made me feel powerful, beautiful and capable.

It wasn’t until I truly owned my inner strength that I was able to become a Death Queen. Personally, I feel the most like a goddess when I wear all black, preferably with some faux leather and some high, high heels, and I choose what I wear for no one else but me.

But being a Death Queen is about more than clothes. It means understanding that endings are an unavoidable part of life, and that the beginnings that come from these endings are infinitely and vastly more powerful. A true Death Queen sees the positive in everything. A Death Queen understands that she can tap into her inner power to create her ideal reality.

Which brings us to the Death card. Death is number 13 in the classic tarot deck, a number that brings to mind its own macabre imagery – namely black cats and cursed Fridays. But Death herself rules transformation in the biggest and most powerful sense of the word; to draw Death is to draw new opportunities and ventures. Death literally represents the opening one door and the closing of another, and, when life feels either too structured or unsettling, often an open door is all you need.

And perhaps that is what defines a Death Queen; tapping into the unyielding potential within yourself to understand the importance and power of change, namely through the properties of death. Being a Death Queen isn’t a morbid fate, and nor is it a stifling existence that leaves you constantly dancing on the edge of life.

At first, change can seem intimidating and scary, ominous and eerie. Death is a forlorn concept, and its card is tainted by society’s portrayal of what it represents, not what it actually is. Death represents big, commanding change. Yes, it most definitely represents the end of something, but the new beginning it ushers in overpowers that ending by eons. Death is an energetic worker who helps you start fresh and start powerfully; if you want control of new beginnings, tapping into the energies of Death and her card is the surest way to go.

In this sense, a Death Queen is a woman who dances between the realms and uses her own power to manifest the most beautiful and positive situations she can, even when times get tough. She remembers that sometimes our judgments cloud our reality, and that being open, aware and present are the best tools in dealing with a tough time.

It’s not always easy to understand the language of your soul, but owning your inner Death Queen means creating a reality that you’re proud of; it means understanding that every ending is a new beginning. In this way a true Death Queen is a woman who’s drawn to examine the darker reaches of the soul, but is innately light.

Being a Death Queen means no more than owning every dark crevice your being, and then using this to create the most beautiful reality you can, to serve you in this life and beyond.

Read more from Gabby Herstik at www.breathingfashion.net

@GabyHerstik

GET DOWN AND GET GOD: A DANCE PARTY WITH THE DIVINE

Posted on August 15, 2014November 4, 2018 by Nadia Noir

What if the way to enlightenment wasn’t through your crown chakra…but your feet? Nadia Noir heads to the nearest dance party to find out.

Prayer and meditation are awesome tools for channeling moments of introspective clarity. But as a spiritual species that spends an unfathomable amount of time psychoanalyzing ourselves through mantra apps, self-help books on Audible.com, and grounding ourselves through following our favorite guru via social media, channeling a primal version of Miley Cyrus while gyrating to Madonna’s “Like A Prayer” can be a bridge into unbridled bliss. We live in our heads enough already. Enter the body-purifying sweat of a good old-fashioned, orgiastic dance sesh.

It wasn’t just the ancient Greeks who encouraged the human iterations of their gods, goddesses and muses to get down and get God through song and dance. The Torah calls for dancing, not only as a celebration of God or as a way to worship, but as a way to create the frenzied, supercharged atoms between two lovers in Song of Solomon. In Hinduism, there are the Apsarases, 23 celestial gods that dance to “express the supreme truths in the magic of movement.” Sufis twirled themselves into ecstasy and the Ancient Egyptians thought of everything they did in life as one eternal dance. They even danced at funerals, ready to dance their way through the darkness of death and into the afterlife.

If you’re still perpetually feeling low-grade anxiety or self-abusing your ten pound weight gain, maybe that’s because the answer isn’t in your crown chakra. Sure you can keep seeking a connection to a higher power, but you might never understand what true liberation is until you strip away your sins at classes like Sheila Kelley’s S Factor, talk up to yourself at Patricia Moreno’s Intensati, bump-and-grind your way into a state of Bhakti at Yoga Booty Ballet, or the spiral-sensationalizing of Buti.

But about just hitting up a dance club and twerking shamelessly to a raunchy Nicki Minaj song, feeling the sensation of strength and pleasure crawling up your root chakra, through your core and into your heart. You could stomp it out to some metal like the world’s sexiest Kali, destroying the earth below you and incinerating any doubts you have in yourself. Or, if that’s too hardcore for you, if you’re one of those supple, gentle souls that drowns in tears and whiskey, go sing some old country songs by Patsy Cline at your local karaoke dive bar. Studies even say that moderate drinking accompanied by karaoke is super good for your health.

And in case you’re like, “When am I going to have the time to do any of this stuff? I’m a super woman trying to be a spiritual being having a human experience and those bills don’t pay themselves,” here are four easy steps to just sing when the spirit says sing and twerk when the spirit is like, “Work it girl.”

GET OVER YOURSELF
That’s right. Who cares if you’re flabby or ungraceful or if you’re hailing a cab on a busy street. The minute negativity starts creeping into your psyche, do a little dance on the sidewalk or belt out some Beyonce. The only person who is embarrassed by what you’re doing is you. Maybe other people are jealous or hating, but a majority of people will feel inspired by your little performance. They might just join in. Spontaneous soul-healing flash mob? Sounds awesome.

PLAY ON, PLAYA
Keep a playlist on your iPhone for those times that you really need to really play. Songs you can dance to in the mirror while dripping wet from the shower or to encourage anyone around you to join you for a slow dance. If that sounds awkward, ABBA usually works.

RECORD YOUR POSTERIOR FOR POSTERITY
Have you ever looked back at pictures of yourself when you were in high school or college or some other time you were mired in angst and depression and went, “Damn. I looked hot. What was my problem?” It’s always good to keep visual reminders to yourself that sometimes your pain can be blown out of proportion by your own psyche. There’s no better way to document yourself than at the height of some fun time; dancing, singing, glowing. You might grimace, but guarantee you, when you’re 70-years-old, you’ll be thinking, “I was having the time of my life.” Like me in this video singing Cyndi Lauper’s “Time After Time.” I kind of hate it, but in five years I’ll love it. Don’t shortchange your future with how you feel about yourself today.

GRAB YOUR PARTNER BY THE HAND
Mix things up in your relationships with some Sir Mix-a-lot and a mixed beverage of your choice. Or just let the wild nymph out to play and make up some songs in the middle of a hike or something. Start a fake band. Create a fake dance. In fact, keep faking on it ‘til you make it. Let your fake persona, the confident and sassy one, override your warped internal programming to bring out the “real” and really dope damsel and dimepiece that is you.

But you know, some things work for some people and other things work for other people – a really simple and trite statement, but it’s true. If you hate something, you’re not going to keep doing it. If meditating and mantra-repeating doesn’t work for you, you’re not broken. You’re not spiritually unevolved. It’s just up to you to find out what you vibrate with. And maybe, just maybe, what will really reshuffle your chakras and shake up your soul is a sultry striptease in front of one other living being who will never judge you—your cat.

Read more from Nadia Noir at Illuminadia.com

@NadiaNoir

COUNTDOWN TO BLACK ROCK CITY: 51 BURNING MAN ESSENTIALS

Posted on August 12, 2014November 5, 2018 by Ruby Warrington

Here it comes…the countdown to BURNING MAN 2014 is on! As the final preparations take place, we canvassed the most seasoned Burners of the Numinati to compile the ultimate pre-playa check-list…Images: Reka Nyari and Michael Chichi

:: JANA PINCHBECK, CREATIVE DIRECTOR, CENTER FOR PLANETARY CULTURE ::

Friends. I am coming with my two best girlfriends from London and a few from New York. I cannot imagine BM without a court of fabulous sexy friends

*Masha Lunara Feather Hair Clips, $98. Expect to have lucid dreams if you fall asleep wearing these!*

Sun protection. Heliocare Ultra SPF 90 Cream 50 Ml. is the best ever non-greasy natural plant extract that protects your skin from burning sun on the playa

*Shannon Shiang Phoenix Wings Pendant, $225. Shannon’s pieces take inspiration from sacred geometry and nature*

The Doors of Perception: Heaven and Hell (Thinking Classics) by Aldous Huxley. The only book that I am taking this year, recommended by a friend James Oroc who is the author of Tryptamine Palace

:: CLOSET – DRESS FOR THE EXPERIENCE AND THE ENVIRONMENT ::

*Religion Insignia Faux Fur Coat, $328.90*

:: TALI EDUT, CO-FOUNDER, ASTROSTYLE.COM ::

Interactive giveaways. These are great icebreakers, like these Metallic Jewelry Temporary Tattoos. People love to adorn themselves there, so when you can help them channel that, all the better

Fresh food. Forget what you heard about only eating out of cans or Tasty Bites. This woman’s suggestions have kept me well fed on the playa

A comfy chair. There’s a lot of time to lounge when the Sun is out and a sturdy camp chair like this Telescope Casual Cabana Beach Folding Chair is a godsend

Battery operated costume lights. A strand of Ultra Thin 30 Micro LEDs with a little battery pack are great. I love to drape them over my faux-fur coat (another Burner essential)

No Rinse Bathing Wipes. Kind of like a baby wipe on steroids.

:: CAMP – MAKE YOUR HOME THE SWEETEST HOME ::

*Bubble Inflatables Blow-up Couch, $51.88*

*Boombotix Boombot Portable Weatherproof Speaker, $26.97*

*Espiritus Del Ande Palo Santo, Wiraqoya and Copal Incense, $20*

:: VICTORIA KEEN, DESIGNER ::

An offering for the temple. Think, photos of loved ones that have passed, a significant object, or simply some heartfelt words to leave there

Teeny glass vials with cork stoppers to collect some playa dust in. Some people make them into necklaces

Proper eye wear. The sun is serious out there

Raw organic energy bars. To keep with you at all times in case you are having an adventure and don’t want to be bothered by finding food

:: KITCHEN – NOURISH YOUR BODY, NOURISH YOUR SPIRIT ::

Cider vinegar (your all-purpose cleaner) – Raw Organic Apple Cider Vinegar by Bragg (1 gallon) $19.09

Aloe Force (to keep things flowing on the go) – Herbal Whole Raw Aloe Vera Juice 32 fl. oz. $35.60

Coconut oil (for your food and your face) – Barlean’s Organic Virgin Coconut Oil, 16-Ounce Jar, $12.99

*Urban Moonshine Organic Digestive Bitters, $7.99*

:: COSMETIC – ALL HAIL THE EMBODIED BODY BEAUTIFUL ::

*Lulu Organics Jasmine Hair Powder (dry shampoo), $30*

*Living Proof No Frizz Leave-in Conditioner, $24*

*Remee Lucid Dream Enhancing Eye Mask, $100*

:: ERICA JAGO, FOUNDER, JAGO YOGA ::

An old journal to burn in the temple. Time to say c’est la vie to the past and bring good fortune to the future

**Socks.** Cleaning my feet, moisturizing, then putting on a new pair of socks = heaven! (Happy Socks, $12)

An open heart. Can you love everyone the same, without holding rank and expand your limits on love?

**A fanny pack.** Filled with gifts to hand out to special people I meet during the ride (Pendleton, $119)

K-Y Jelly. The bike seat gets brutal after day five, especially when all you wear are bikini bottoms. Just a little bit can smooth things out. You can thank me later 🙂

www.burningman.com

YOGI VEGAN LEZ: RELATIONSHIPS AND THE ROAD LESS TRAVELLED

Posted on August 10, 2014November 2, 2021 by Alexandra Roxo

Meet Yogi Vegan Lez, a.k.a. Alexandra Roxo and her girlfriend. In the first chapter of a new series on the challenges of conscious modern coupling, is a road trip actually the best kind of couples therapy?

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Just like doing a cleanse together as a couple sounded like a great idea, so did taking a road trip. However, deciding what juice to buy and dribbling pulled oil down your t-shirt in front of your brand new girlfriend is nothing in comparison to being lost in the mountains of Colorado and encountering two large creepy bikers who “reallllllly want to take a photo with you” because “someone” didn’t listen to Siri.

Road trips are the real deal. Sure we live together in Brooklyn, but that’s different. Yoga down the street. $11 green juice by delivery. And our own little love den to nest in. But eight months in and our relationship could survive Mexican food from roadside vendors and lumpy beds, right?

The conversation came up when my GF and I found ourselves in New Mexico, working on a movie called Bare that my company Purple Milk is producing. She arrived from New York at the end of the most stressful week in my life, in which both of the lead actors pulled out and we had to recast it , all the while maintaining fake smiles to make all the other crew members not bail off.

I needed a time out, so the next day and we set off in a tiny rental with some Spiderman sleeping bags from the associate producer’s kids, blankets “borrowed” from our Air B ‘n B, and a bag of organic groceries – raw chocolate, kale chips, and Biodynamic red wine a-plenty. And then we headed in the direction of the nearest hot springs… okay spa. Come on, you gotta start a road trip to get back to nature somewhere!

When we arrived, our room was basically in the kitchen with a view of the dumpster. Fuck. I marched right back to reception with my fists in fighting position. But turns out they were booked solid with couples in their 50’s, most of whom were currently asleep in the “romantic” rooms that I had planned on having sex in that night. Orian decided to take over before I snapped and let my “lower self” take over.

By now I was openly sobbing in a leather armchair in a reception painted with “native art” – aka bows and arrows – surrounded by two children playing Angry Birds on an iPad and an elderly German couple sitting silently in flip flops and robes waiting for a shiatsu or something. They casually observed my tears as if I was the lobby fountain, and turned back to their spa menus.

The sweet manager finally offered us an equally impressive room with a bed practically in the center of the restaurant, but with an hour in a private hot spring, a bottle of wine and a whopping discount thrown in. Orian wanted to leave and go look for another place to stay, but I was set on a day of relaxation in the hot spring. I rested my weary my head on her shoulder and told her we had to make the best of it. She agreed. And instead of being grossed out by the overpriced airplane food in the restaurant and the hairy men ogling us in the hot tubs, we drank our wine under the stars and made the best of the bed.

We drove away from the spa the next day with our faces red and splotchy from the free flowing sulphuric smelling mud we’d smeared all over ourselves before baking in the sun. I looked like a burn victim. It was only then I remembered I’d been using Retinol cream because I’m terrified of wrinkles and my Brazilian family swears by it (they also swear by plastic surgery, but whatever) and wasn’t supposed to go in the sun. I began to imagine my face peeling off a la Goldie Hawn in “Death Becomes Her,” pulled my oversized hat over my face and hid.

As we drove through southern Colorado, total silence descended on the car and paranoia began to set in. For some reason, we weren’t connecting. Our only conversation in hours had been a heated debate about google maps. Spiritually I look at things as effort vs. struggle – and so far, this was feeling like a lot of struggle. What happened to us having a blast doing everything together, from buying toothpaste to cleaning the toilet? Were those magic times over already?

Since we’d spent the past month apart, I chalked it up to the fact we needed some time for our energy to “sync” as a couple and tried to breathe despite the by now overwhelming anxiety and dry mouth. Tents, stars, and the enforced isolation camping allows would haaaave to bond us back together.

Now, I’m not new to camping. As a kid we couldn’t afford vacations and went camping one week every summer – my mom sometimes even brought the TV. As a teen I camped under a tarp in the Oregon woods for a week and foraged for berries at witch camp. And as a post-college “seeker,” I shit in a trough at a Rainbow Gathering next to rows of hippies with dreads and slept surrounded by people screaming from too many drugs in the wilds of West Virginia.

You get the picture – I’m no newbie to roughing it. But it was only as we neared Monument Valley where we planned to pitch up the next night that I realized I’d brought three pairs of platforms for the entire trip in lieu of any sensible footwear (I blame my overcrowded stress den of a mind when I was packing). So though Orian was dying to get camping already, we made a (emotionally fraught) decision: a well-choreographed stop-off at enemy no.1, Wal Mart.

As she’s from Israel and has only lived in the US for a year, spending most of her time in Brooklyn buying overpriced Ann Taylor linen from Polish vintage stores, my GF has never been to Wal Mart. And so I tried to warn her. “Look we go in. I get the imitation Keds. You grab the cooler. Out in 20, okay?” “Copy!” she relied, like the Israeli soldier she narrowly escaped becoming.

One and a half hours and $112.00 later we left, defeated, with six bags of crap. I sat in the car with my head in my hands, contemplating what had just happened as she insisted; “But we neeeeeeded the pink pepper spray, two glow in the dark t-shirts, an American flag bikini, six jugs of water just in case, and a copy of US weekly. We really did.” I got extremely annoyed in this moment and felt my skin begin to crawl, but told myself to calm the fuck down. And on we marched.

*“Everything looks better in the photos”*

We arrived to Monument Valley as the sun was beginning to set and decided on our camping spot, naturally choosing the one furthest from the trail so we could walk around in our underwear in peace. Our quest for solitude meant by the time we’d hiked our groceries, tent, firewood, camping chairs, tent, cooler, and our Wal Mart haul, the sun was nearly down. I decided to get our tent up as fast as I could, in which I am well practiced.

And maybe it was the drive, the trauma with the mud, or perhaps the lack of greens in my current diet? But I just couldn’t work it out. Which is when my GF stepped up to the plate and nailed it like an angel in a one-piece white American Apparel swimsuit. It was beautiful to watch. And as we drank our wine and watched the sun go down, it felt like things were finally beginning to gel.

I realized that this whole trip, being forced to make decisions about things like which non-organic snacks to buy had left she and I feeling like strangers. And our differing road trip priorities were distracting us from the point – the love we feel for each other. It’s rare for any couple to have time away from our obligations and responsibilities, and we needed to remember to just enjoy each other, regardless of the circumstances.

And as much as a week in Cabo or Tulum would have been more like the Valium my soul really needed, absorbing the epic beauty of Monument Valley I realized there’s a reason couples go on these quests together. Who wants a quick fix when it’s the road less travelled that brings growth? Trying three times to put a tent up together can be bonding. Really. Same for being forced to eat tacos made with GM corn from roadside vendors until the flatulence is just white noise.

People go to couples therapy to confront their differences (like why the hell do you leave your shoes right outside the tent where I trip on them every day?) So here’s a tip for saving a shit-tonne of money. TAKE A ROAD TRIP. Get annoyed when your partner goes 60 mph or when they aren’t paying attention to google maps and miss the turn-off right when there’s no other turn off for like 100 miles. GO THERE. Don’t be afraid to let your girlfriend see you cry in public in at least three places in an attempt to get your way. Talk about a lesson in acceptance.

NEXT UP ON Yogi Vegan Lez: Navigating times of celibacy for ceremony….

SOUL CAMP: CONNECTING WITH MY REAL TRIBE

Posted on August 3, 2014November 5, 2018 by Ruby Warrington

When Michelle Goldblum was asked to create a summer camp for grown-ups, it forced her to confront age-old feelings of sadness and un-belonging. But it was also the catalyst for the next stage in her personal growth. Images: Karolina Daria Flora

As an adult, I’ve always looked back on my summers spent at camp as some of the best times of my life. And when I met Ali, having found each other in the wellness world (I own a branding and marketing agency for thought leaders in this field and she’s a body confidence coach), and we realized we were both Camp Towanda kids, every time we got together it was like we were back, cheering on the way to the soccer field. The energy of those times lived on in our relationship, which was always very childlike and fun, and like nothing I’ve experienced with anybody else.

As it turns out, our camp director follows both of us on Facebook, and in October last year, he reached out to us to ask; “would you like to bring a mind, body, spirit retreat to Camp Towanda?” Of course, as soon as Ali and I got together, it was obvious that our soul mission (maybe it was even the reason we met?) was to accept, and in doing so bring back what we both remembered as “The Magic of Camp.”

But when we went back to Towanda, which is located in Wayne County, PA, for our first site visit, walking around the familiar grounds, the memories that now began flooding back for me were far from happy. How could it be? Instead of joy, I was overwhelmed with a long-forgotten sensation of feeling completely isolated, and I realized how alone I actually felt at camp as a kid and how I so longed to be accepted.

I remembered having to find things to do during free time, when everyone huddled together in their packs. I remembered going from group to group, trying to find where I belonged, with an intense feeling that something must be wrong with me. I felt a familiar sensation in my neck, my chest and my gut, the same overwhelming feeling of sadness I realized I experienced back then.

I even had a flashback to the camp counsellor giving me a bookmark, which said something like; “it’s not how many friends you have but the quality of friendship that’s important.” At the time, I was so offended. But she’d obviously seen the pain my ten-year-old self had thought I was hiding so well.

Camp is supposed to be where you learn how to have relationships. It’s where people get their first boyfriends, and have their first kisses. Going back to Towanda, I realized how much of that I missed out on. Was it because I was fat? As a child, I realized I felt like; “I am different because I’m bigger. That’s why I’m not going out on the raid, that is why I’m not part of the crew.”

Or maybe it was because didn’t have the Kate Spade bag that all the other girls had. But even when I got the bag and all the other “stuff” I thought I needed to fit in, I still experienced the same feelings of separateness. My way of coping? By my last year at Towanda, aged 15, I was Camper Captain. On the outside, I knew everyone, and everyone knew me. But inside, there was this feeling of; “oh wow – I slipped under the radar there.” And guess what? It turns out Ali, a couple of years younger than me, was experiencing the same thing.

This was all new to me. I was shocked that my memory could play such tricks on me, casting my experience of camp in such a rose-tinted glow. And it’s only more recently I’ve been able to join the dots – how hiding the feelings of inadequacy that camp instilled in me became part of my adult identity, manifesting in an eating disorder I kept secret for years, an addiction to Adderall when I found myself working in big pharma post-college, and a co-dependent relationship that left me needy, isolated and without too much of a social life.

The best part though, is that this realization has also been a catalyst and a turning point in the next stage in my personal growth.

Asking around, it seemed like Ali and I weren’t lone “camp loners,” either. People would tell us; “I had a horrible experience at camp, I never want to go back.” They shared painful memories of sitting alone at the dining hall and not being included in activities, and it was based on this feedback that we began to come up with the concept for Soul Camp.

Sitting in our dorm during that first site visit, we shared exactly what was going on for each other. That night we decided that our souls had signed an agreement, and that it was our job to process and heal all the pent up feelings that were rushing to the surface so that we’d be equipped to hold the space for other people to return to camp and confront their hurtful, shameful, hidden memories as well.

We set about putting together a roster of more than 30 of the most incredible speakers and healers from our pioneering wellness world – people like Nisha Moodley, Terri Cole, Meggan Watterson, Ed Harrold, Ashley Turner – to join us on our journey.

And I feel like we’ve created the ultimate alternative camp for all the people who felt weird, or different, and like they didn’t belong. And maybe that’s everybody, on some level. From the bonfire and “fear burning” ritual on the opening night, to yoga by the beautiful lake, empowering intenSati classes with one of my personal teachers, Patricia Moreno, and incredible, nourishing food prepared with love, we’ve designed Soul Camp to create new memories. Joyful memories. Memories of meeting like-minded, welcoming friends; of exploring new activities and learning new techniques; of coming together, connecting inward, and feeling a-part-of.

Of course it’s also fine to just find your spot at the waterfront and write in your journal all weekend, but the most important piece for me is that we’ll all be there together. Reliving our childhood experience, but in a way that feels completely supportive and safe. You feel “different”? So do I. And guess what – that makes us all the same.

Now that I remember camp properly, I know there were some beautiful moments too. I had one counsellor, Mindy Karp, who is my friend to this day, and when we were nine or 10 she’d put us to bed playing Joni Mitchell and leading us in a deep relaxation meditation. Not that we understood it as that then, she’d just tell us; “feel your toes, now relax your toes…” She was the inspiration for our own “bunk leaders,” who we’ve equipped with tools to facilitate community, openness and togetherness in each bunk. And thank God for people like her.

Soul Camp at Camp Towanda takes place September 4-7. For details of the full line-up and to purchase tickets visit Soulcamp2014.com. PLUS enter the code “NUMI” at checkout for a $100 discount!

TAROTSCOPES: AUGUST 2014

Posted on August 1, 2014March 13, 2019 by Ruby Warrington

Cast by Louise Androlia using The Cosmic Tarot Deck

I love to chat with you about your ‘scopes and how your month is going, so find me on Twitter and Instagram @louniverse and at Facebook/louiseandrolia

Leo / Leo Rising – The Ten of Pentacles

Happy Birthday, sweet beast! So you’re about ready for a switch up. Something’s got to give, something’s got to go and you need to reshuffle yourself back into your home zone – it’s time to step it up. What does that mean to you? I’m talking about upping your game. Is there a wobble of anxiety or a fear of failure that comes with that idea, to go bigger, to be greater, to feel better? I want you to approach your nerves this month with a shift in perspective, and turn that wobble into a wave of excitement – an unapologetic urge to keep seeking what lights you up and ways to brighten your experience.

For those of you feeling stuck somewhere that you don’t want to be, then now is the time to believe in change and know that you are allowed to pull things apart and put them back together again. In fact, your inner soul is calling out for you to do exactly this. You aren’t here on this planet to be hiding from the things you feel the urge to dream up and pursue.

It’s human nature to find a comfortable seat in an uncomfortable space – and you know what that looks like, right? But when I talk about upping your game, it’s about stepping out of your comfort zone, knowing there is something more for you to reach for. So the message this month is simple – it’s time to honor that emotion. Change is good, and it’s even better when you bring it in yourself.

If you’ve been struggling against the tide and are feeling a little on the edge of a victim mentality, it’s okay. We all quite frequently want to wave our hands in the air and go, ‘wait ARE YOU SERIOUS?!’ So over the next few weeks, just check in with yourself, all the time. Maybe you’ll see where it feels like you’re erring slightly off course – and be able to ask yourself, have you been stopped in your tracks on purpose? Perhaps this is your chance to carve out a new space for yourself, a better space.

Finally, the art of sharing is important this month. Your story is what makes you unique, so yes, keep something for yourself. But also recognize that you might experience the most healing when you allow yourself to be vulnerable to the influence of others. Writing will be on your side too, so get up every day and journal, or ‘brain vomit’ as I like to call it! Let your subconscious spill onto the pages. You might just find the answers you’ve been looking for.

Questions? Come and chat with me about how your month is going @louniverse

Virgo / Virgo Rising – The Two of Wands

Hey traveller. You really have been all over the place recently, physically and emotionally, quite the adventurer. You kind of get a kick out of it but there is definitely an inner yearning for some boring old peace and quite now! I can’t promise that, but I can remind you how to check in on your journey and how to thrive while moving at super speed.

Even when you’re up to your eyeballs with work and general overload it’s important to find a way to carve out a space to breathe. And yes, conscious breathing itself is an awesome practice, but when I say breathe I really mean just make some space for nothingness. Like full on nada, zilch, nothing at all. Lying on your carpet staring at the ceiling. You want to always have a corner of your internal white board sparkling clean and free. Why? Because otherwise how are you ever going to see your way out of a problem or expand yourself to your next power zone!

So yeah, let’s take a look at what you’re manifesting – that old trick, what does the word even mean to you? I feel it gets thrown around a little too casually these days, and we can harness it much more elegantly I think. You are filled with ideas, I know you are, so think what the patch of land you are building on looks like at the moment. Groundwork means literally securing a safe and impassioned space to build something from, so do a quick rec and check your balance. Are your actions fully aligned with your highest truth and best intentions? Which idea feels the best to you? Which idea holds the least amount of fear and ego driven ‘what ifs’?

It feels to me like you are about to shift into a new perspective around a career and passion project or situation. You may be letting something go (woo hoo) or feeling your way around a familiar scene and wondering how to pep it up. Try not to be too frantic for change; there is a sense of easing your way in that will help you over the coming weeks. Avoid panicking and remember to be grateful for having got yourself to this place. You are exactly where you should be, so stand proud and tall and just take one step.

Questions? Come and chat with me about how your month is going @louniverse

Libra / Libra Rising – Five of Cups

Did you feel some changes or shifts last month? That Judgement card is such a calling to rise up that it can often bring in a wobble via the Universe, with the intent of shooting you off in a new direction. Unfortunately when that happens we often have no idea why we’ve been shoved over. You want to get up and march on, full of empowerment, but aren’t quite sure what the purpose of it all is.

So this month I want you to try and see where you feel like you’ve been let down or knocked about a bit. Is there a point right now, perhaps in a shift in career or relationship focus, where you feel a bit like ‘um, well what was the point of that?’ It’s easy to feel that life has tipped you up and wonder where the hope is.

But I want you to not feel like you’ve taken any steps backwards, or are slipping back into a role from the past you didn’t really like. Each day is always a new start, and the past is never a blueprint for your future. Feelings of loss and disappointment are supposed to feel uneasy, so make sure that if you are feeling a wobble that you sit down and feel those feelings. Or write it out to get out your anxieties out of your mind and body – you don’t need to be pacing round having debates with your own ego mind, so speak, shout, announce your fears, and they won’t seem nearly so overpowering.

Then it’s time to have a think about what the redirection might be. Usually when we feel a bit lost, it’s because a pause in energy is offering us a moment to recalibrate. In order to do that you must think about how you are connected right now and if something needs to be shifted, or maybe the ways in which you aren’t connected to your experience at all.

Take some time this month to try and align yourself with your spirit – which really just means giving time to your passions and remembering why you are you. What makes you feel ‘in your skin’? What projects have you hidden in the shadows because you think you ‘should’ do something else? How have you been holding your true spirit back in your relationships or friendships? Ask your soul self the questions and be brave enough to take steps from the answers that you hear.

Questions? Come and chat with me about how your month is going @louniverse

Scorpio / Scorpio Rising – The Princess of Wands

You’re back on the manifesting train again, hopefully because you have some of your fire back now that Mars has moved into your sign. Do you feel ready to move? The great thing about the energy for you this month is that it’s a wonderful combination of desire and action. You know there’s no point in dallying around, and if you actually want to see things change and move onwards then you need to put in the work. I’m not so much cracking the whip here but more encouraging you to make plans and stick to them!

Everything that you want needs a space to grow from, so this month is the perfect time to be reshuffling and making space. If you are planning to move house then it’s time to get ready. Clean up in your current situation – what bills need paying, and what old belongings could you sell or donate? Get your energy ready to shift and then when the time comes, you’ll be ready. It’s essentially a process of making things easier for yourself. Instead of being so super active and quite the procrastinator, let’s go with the super powered Scorpio energy this month ok?

So think; what isn’t working right now? And how can you shake up your structure so that you regain a sense of flow? It can be easy to tune too much into the ‘I cant’s’ or ‘why is this happening’ moments, when what you need to do is at least embrace the option of expansion to see your way through a challenge. It might be as small as just saying to yourself; ‘I know there is a more expansive way of viewing this today.’ It’s time to see where you are in your own way, step back and take a look from a new viewpoint. From a different perspective, it may be obvious what you need to move in order to make space.

Over the next few weeks practice the ultimate manifesting practice. I believe it goes like this: Intention – What are you aiming for? What do you want to feel like? How can you honor your journey more? Then, Action – Make moves in the direction of your dreams, practical measures. Finally – Surrender rather than obsess. Keep everything in the day and work moment by moment and see how things suddenly seem to weave themselves together.

Questions? Come and chat with me about how your month is going @louniverse

Sagittarius / Sagittarius Rising – The Princess of Swords

In what ways are you not connected to your inner truth right now? I’m feeling as though you’ve allowed your own personal power to slip to the sidelines. This may have manifested in a variety of ways – a dip in confidence perhaps? Are you finding yourself more judgmental of yourself and others recently? Feeling neglected by life? There is a need for you to recalibrate your inner strength this month – and not in the way that you might usually go about it.

There is often a tendency to just ‘pull yourself together’, stand up put on a brave face and say you are fine. Sure that does work, but it’s not addressing what’s at the heart of the matter, and doesn’t really nurture your whole self. I want you to go within, big time! This is about upping your relationship with your inner soul system and choosing not to ignore your gut.

I’m often wary of using that word – ‘gut’ – because sometimes the ego likes to join that party. I want you to start to focus with on just checking in with how you feel and how your body feels. Notice what or whom you feel you are pulling away from and start to think about why. If you find yourself with all sorts of ideas and opinions about other people, remember that everyone is a mirror.

If you are speaking negatively about someone then it’s going to be pulling something out that you’re actually feeling about yourself. It’s a good month to do some autonomous writing; open up a notepad and just brain spill out on to the page. You might discover that it’s your own inner dialogue towards yourself that needs clarifying and brightening in order for the world to seem a little less cold.

So back to your own sense of empowerment; check in with how much you’ve been taking on that you haven’t really felt connected to or inspired by. Quite a few things maybe? Being spiritual means quite simply, ‘to honour your spirit.’ So how can you do that over the next few weeks? Go back to basics and connect to your passions and interests and allow that to boost your inner strength. With this in line it’s a lot easier to step into your power, own your experience, feel less threatened and ultimately, have more fun!

Questions? Come and chat with me about how your month is going @louniverse

Capricorn / Capricorn Rising – The Seven of Swords

Last month I encouraged you to allow some stillness and take some rest – with that, I feel that you may be facing up to some old fears surrounding issues of trust. I want to talk about how much you trust yourself right now and how much you have faith in your journey, because I feel that you could be feeling a little lost. It’s almost as if you don’t trust in your own viewpoint or knowledge, and that often comes in when we have disconnected from our mind and body.

You have had a busy stretch of year and a lot of climbing uphill, not to mention a lot of trying to please others going on. This is draining and it translates into a lack of confidence so easily. The thing is, you are no less brilliant than you have ever been, you haven’t lost your personal power but you may have left it on a shelf somewhere out of reach.

I’d like you to try to reconnect to your feelings of potential, remember what your hopes are, and remember what makes you feel good. Stop trying to be something for everyone else. If you are connected and aligned with your self fully then everything around you will sit better – work, friendships, health and relationships. It’s time to reclaim your power and your personality, no one can take these things from you but it’s easy to give them away or forget they are yours in the first place. You might be feeling wary of who to trust right now, or how to make a decision – perhaps you’re worried about making the wrong choice somewhere along the line? Again, this is only a reflection of the state your inner system is in, so consciously choosing to have faith in your own steps will help you to find your balance in the external world.

You’re not here to play small, hide behind yourself or to not participate in your adventure. Take note of anywhere you are sidelining and reel yourself back in. Have you been looking after your body? Have you been listening to your intuition? Have you been honoring your passions? Make some plans to get connected, sit still and listen to what is going on – if you are jittery and don’t want to be by yourself then keep sitting. Get comfortable in your own uncomfortable, it’s time to check back in.

Questions? Come and chat with me about how your month is going @louniverse

Aquarius / Aquarius Rising – The Prince of Cups

How committed are you feeling right now? Across the board; what are you inching yourself away from? Where are you hiding? What are you missing? In order to experience the changes that you wish to see you must get present with the fears that these questions unearth within you. If you feel unable to commit to something or someone there is a need to go deeper and work out why, because it’s not about what’s happening externally – it’s all about you.

You are head first in your journey right now, which is why I want to make sure you are wide-awake. It’s easy to think that life is passing you by, but this only happens if you aren’t present for the experience, or aren’t actively invested in the adventure. Being a dreamer is wonderful, but you need some action in there too, otherwise it all gets a bit never-never land and you can feel let down and lost. So it’s time to really sink your teeth in and be ready to really feel everything, and maybe that will include having to feel the negative or sad feelings that you don’t want to. But it’s okay. You are on your way to a new sense of material and spiritual balance so you need to attend to both.

On the spiritual side, getting seriously connected to your spirit is easier than you think – it really just requires you to be respectful of your own passions and take note of your feelings. Try not to block yourself in with ‘I shoulds’ and ‘I cant’s’. Instead, remind yourself of your potential and of what you have overcome in the past. In the material world check in with how fulfilled you are at work and in your relationships. Is there a spark of excitement for something of someone that you haven’t really even addressed?

Romantically this is essential, to be honest with your own feelings and not be scared of failing, not hide in your shadows because of a fear of rejection. The more you are in your own body and truth the brighter you appear. Don’t be afraid of being vulnerable; shift your strength to an attitude of just trying. Life is happening, your life is happening, all you need to do is show up.

Questions? Come and chat with me about how your month is going @louniverse

Pisces / Pisces Rising – The Three of Pentacles

Oh hey over there Pisces, rise and shine! You’ve been through the mill this year, but then again that’s often what being a Pisces is all about – you soak up everything and yet you know everything, so it’s a back and forth shift between feeling overwhelmed and super powered. Keep reaching for the latter.

So on we go. This month is all about the rotation of learning and teaching. You are talented, you have talents and you have passions, many more than many people, and it’s essential you recognize them now. I believe it is our duty to share our spirit with others, because it helps them get more spirited themselves, and we do this via sharing skills and sharing knowledge. You are being called to rise up and accept master status of your own life, okay?

Yep, that means hatching a new plan for the next few months, and you don’t have to do it alone. You see the great thing about being so creative or just having so many ideas is that you can let your energy be fuelled up in the positive way by collaborating with others and simply asking for help. It is essential for you to recharge alone, but you know there is a fine line between alone and lonely, or just plain isolation. When you’re home alone, it can feel like you aren’t being appreciated by the outside world, which in turn makes you want to retreat an hide. But it’s actually time to step out. So tame the ego part of the inner dialogue that wants to be recognized. Simply make it your intention to share, and it’s from here that you might receive the respect that you are hoping for.

You’re also in a fine position to be laying foundations for what’s to come – and lifting out of a bit of a low period. Actually we all are, it’s been an odd year so far. So allow yourself to shake it out and shake it off a little, and choose to believe in yourself and your potential to get up and do what you want to do. Just recognize that opportunities don’t always appear in the form that you want or expect them to, and that to receive the best you need to think and be as expansive as possible. Be wide-awake and ready.

Questions? Come and chat with me about how your month is going @louniverse

Aries / Aries Rising – The Emperor

After last month’s spin of the wheel do you have a little more of a sense of direction when it comes to where you’re going or what you want? Either way, this month is going to crack the whip on you and get you further into the driving seat. Whenever this card comes up we really need to respect order, discipline and prepare to work with the divine masculine!

Whaaat, how do we do that? Okay, so this card is basically pure Mars energy. Your ruler, Mars is the planet that governs our impulses, passions, sex-drive, and all things action oriented; it’s your truest source of power. Mars has just moved into Scorpio, a sign it also has great affinity with, and so it’s likely that you (who is always at the forefront) have a bunch of things you just want to get done. Now.

So, have a think about how you can set the pace in a way which is a) Going to be productive and b) Not going to burn you out and blast you to the floor. I think you can channel this masculine Mars power into a force of protection for your material and spiritual health. It’s time to step up and be strict, but not in the boring overpowering (Saturn) way, but by doing what you do best – channeling your stubbornness into a super power. I know you can get behind this. So I want you to be hell bent on being good to yourself, on nurturing your journey and devoting time to what feels good. You are also going to tap yourself on the shoulder and say ‘get on with it’ and not listen to your fears and their limiting ideas.

Procrastination, after all is just a fear of change and the unknown, it’s a fear of failure and of success. The reason we hold back from pursuing what we want is because we sure as hell don’t know what it will look like when we get it. Scary! But you know what, maybe things will turn out even better than you hoped? Standing in the background just wishing or waiting won’t ever bring the results that you’ve come to desire and respect. So preserve and respect your life force by making the most of it. Get things in order, clear your office, clean up your inner dialogue and blast away any negative energy you’ve been carrying around. Get to it.

Questions? Come and chat with me about how your month is going @louniverse

Taurus / Taurus Rising – The Devil

This card is moving through the zodiac in my readings here, and it’s easy to see and go ‘uh oh… what does THAT mean?’ But it only ever highlights something that we are completely and utterly aware of. Yes, The Devil brings in our fears and our temptations, but with that a great opportunity to face them. I like to laugh at my own fears and their tiny ideas. I like to hang out in their company and choose not listen to them. I like to walk up to them in the street and say ‘hey,’ but not stay to chat.

You see the thing with fear, it’s always around. It’s an everyday thing, but we tend to give too much energy to it. We use fear like a swimming pool and dive in and let it wash over and under us. It’s so easy to fall in the pool and it’s terribly difficult to climb out.

So this month I want you to practice just listening to what the fears that come up are, then sitting with them, not running in the opposite direction or trying to fight them, but just being present with them. Now have a look at what your go to temptations are. It might be certain thought patterns, a habit you repeat or something negative you indulge in. Look at any addictive or obsessive tendencies and be present with them and try and not judge yourself. To overcome the parts of us that we perceive to be the darkest we have to shine light on them and, actually, love them. None of us are without our demons.

The thing about our own Devil is that he gets in the way, distracts us from our better path and highest self and detours us towards fear. Your job this month is to note where you are switching direction and try and liberate yourself. Sit with the word ‘freedom’ and see what it means to you. What would be mean to be able to untie your own bound up self? Remind yourself that you aren’t a slave or a victim to yourself or anything and your intention to be well and kind to yourself is everything. Ultimately this month, be considerate to yourself, know that anxiety and stress are normal, you are not broken, and there is nothing ‘wrong’ with you. Allow yourself to feel free.

Questions? Come and chat with me about how your month is going @louniverse

Gemini / Gemini Rising – The Wheel of Fortune

Like many of us you are in a period of change, and over the next few weeks you might get a little bit more in touch with where you cycle is spinning. You of all signs can often caught up in the whirlwind, and can either be flying high or feeling utterly overwhelmed. It’s time to make the choice to really balance out a bit. This can be done via feeling your way through life a little more. Instead of wanting to know what everything ‘means’ just focus on how you are feeling about every situation that is coming your way, the highs and the lows.

Last month I was encouraging you to expand yourself into a more magical state of mind, and this is an attitude you can hold onto as a permanent part of your mindset. Now, you are called to participate in your adventure even more so, and to really welcome in the change and shifts that you are a part of. I feel you’ve reached a turning point, and you will soon know exactly where you are at. This might relate to something obvious, like a new job opportunity or moving house, or something subtler like a shift within your mind or body. When the wheel starts spinning it is always stressful – so know that, and don’t expect yourself to be feeling relaxed and chilled out during these stops and starts. Be kind to yourself and just be present with it all.

On the empowerment side of things, where are you placing your energy? And where are you placing your will? Beware of sidelining and getting caught up in bells and whistles, false promises or your own ‘shoulds’ and ‘coulds.’ Remember that
Destiny is only your partner in crime, and that you do get a say in things. Try to not resist change, and remember that good change still feels strange because it still ushers in the unknown – and that this is okay too. We don’t want to stay wrapped up in situations that aren’t good for us, just because we’re comfortable and familiar with how they feel.

Finally, don’t fret if things aren’t moving at the speed that you’d like them to. Amp up your intentions and put in some actions, then allow the Universe to give a helping hand. It’s all feeling a little mysterious but clear skies and clarity are en route.

Questions? Come and chat with me about how your month is going @louniverse

Cancer / Cancer Rising – The Ace of Swords

This month is all about clarity and pulling yourself together so that you can really feel good. It’s likely that the last month was quite active with ideas and creativity and now all that air activity is bringing forth the best your mind has got! I believe in the power of just one thought. Once we go beyond that we can dive into fear and anxiety territory – a.k.a. overwhelm. But sense of clarity that comes when you pair your intuition with your intelligence in one pure thought is empowering and exciting. Is that what you’re seeking right now?

To find these moments of empowerment we need to work on our own sense of trust. After all, how will you know when you know if you don’t trust yourself enough to believe the guidance that comes from within? I’d like you to set aside at least five minutes each day to sit and listen to your inner dialogue, to be quiet and to give yourself space. Yes, it’s what some people call meditation, but it’s also whatever you want it to be. You can’t do this wrong, but I can’t guarantee it will be comfortable. Sometimes our sharpest insights come from sitting and feeling fidgety and feeling uncomfortable. So sit down with questions and intentions.

What are the areas of your life that you need clarity on? I feel for some of you there are shifts in career and feelings of self worth, so you may need to sit down and summon some self-confidence in, to remind you that you can trust in the changes you are bringing in. For relationships it’s time to listen to your own truths. Are you on equal ground? Is there a proper balance happening? Do you feel you are giving some of your power away? Asking yourself questions is a powerful way to reclaim your present moment and the strength to make decisions.

Notice if you are using the dreaded ‘should’ word and experiment with shifting your dialogue to something more expansive, something that embraces possibility and opportunity. Keep connecting your thoughts with your feelings, and watch how your body always responds positively in a moment of truth. We often refer to epiphanies as only happening once in a while, but when you are truly aligned in your holistic self then all thoughts can be this powerful.

Questions? Come and chat with me about how your month is going @louniverse

TURNED ON: SEXTING ACROSS THE MADONNA WHORE DIVIDE

Posted on July 30, 2014November 4, 2018 by Ellie Burrows

Is sexting the same as cheating? It all depends if you’re playing in the shadow or the light, says Ellie Burrows. Image: Katie Fischer

Sigh, the Madonna and the Whore. Is there anything more banal then reducing a woman to one of those two archetypes?

Madonna: Non-sexual woman. Keeper of morality. She offers her breasts to her children. She tempts you into eating your peas. She tempts you for your own good.

Whore: Sexual woman. Debaser of morality. She offers her breasts to everyone. She tempts your husband. She tempts you for her own good.

For thousands of years women have been cast in one of these two forms. There is no shortage of literature or decorated scholars who have devoted their lives to studying them. And, there are many feminists who have fought fiercely to destroy such narrow-minded classifications.

But I have a confession. I totally recognize this duality in myself and I’m not ashamed to admit it.

Enter: Sexting – digital fingering at its finest, and the space where I recently encountered my inner Madonna and Whore pushing their respective pleasure agendas. As it turns out, I was able to marry them when I understood how to align their supposedly conflicting interests. They were willing to sign a sacred contract, but they had to look each other in the face to do it.

A few months ago, I found myself in a budding Millennial relationship: we were really into each other but having a tough time sorting out the commitment piece. It forced me to evaluate my own feelings about monogamy. And when this column launched in April, it brought some men from my past out of the proverbial woodwork.

I hadn’t talked to Eric in years (name obviously changed). We grew up in the same place and had always had that energetic-sexy-vibe thing happening but we never actually acted on it, mostly due to timing with a dash of trepidation. He reached out to tell me that he was proud of me and confess that he had fantasized about me since his preteens. Before I knew it, we were sexting and it was tons of fun, like major smile-ear-to-ear fun. And if I’m being totally truthful, it happened two more times. Over Gchat. Off the record. That was the problem.

Hello Whore Ellie. Eric has a very serious girlfriend.

The next weekend I was with my boyfriend-who-wasn’t-my-boyfriend. He put up an Instagram that also drew out a woman from his past. When I saw his facial expression when he peeped at his screen, I was intrigued. He told me that she was someone he had a one-night-stand with and since then had occasionally sexted with. He assured me that I had nothing to worry about.

But, I wasn’t concerned at all. Like, at all. See, I knew that I had just engaged in a sexting conversation with someone I was attracted to and it had absolutely nothing to do with him. It wasn’t going anywhere: I’m monogamous and I like to flirt. Of course, someone could say that if I really loved him I wouldn’t have sexted with someone else. If you’re that someone, please go buy Esther Perel’s Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence. Immediately. #requiredreading

Then the following came out of my mouth:

“It’s okay if you sext with her.”

“What?”

“Well, I’m not sure sexting with her is a direct reflection of how you feel about me. It has nothing to do with me. It’s just an aggressive form of flirting. I would be fine with it as long as she knows that I know that it’s happening and it doesn’t actually become physical.”

“Explain.”

“If you both know that I’m aware that it’s going on and are still willing to sext, then you’re playing in the light. Then we are all engaging in conscious behavior and all of us get to enjoy the fantasy. However, if you can’t share it with me and you don’t think I can be part of the fun then that’s playing in the dark. That would be messy.”

Then I dropped the bomb. “In fact, I sexted with someone last week.”

“Really? Look at you.” He had a mischievous smile on his face that mirrored mine.

“Yes, and that exchange had absolutely nothing to do with my love for you. Totally mutually exclusive. It’s sophisticated flirtation. Except his girlfriend doesn’t know about it which is a problem.”

It was like we were sitting in an energetic room and the ceiling was lined with fluorescents. I could see everything. Deception is the fertile soil where the Madonna and the Whore’s separateness is able to survive. And that really is some holy shit.

The next day, I reached out to Eric and shared my revelation. He loved his girlfriend very much but was doing this behind her back, casting her as the Madonna and me as the Whore. I didn’t like engaging in this kind of shadow behavior because it didn’t allow us to play together. It kept us separate.

Maybe Eric believed that his girlfriend couldn’t see the duality and understand the nature of our flirting and so he felt the need to hide it from her. That, or he actually felt like it could go somewhere with me. But by going along with the deception, I wasn’t holding a space; I was trampling straight through one. And if we couldn’t play in the light, then it needed to end. So I ended it. I told him we could speak as long as we could keep it PG. Sadly, Eric and I haven’t spoken in months.

Hello Madonna Ellie. I support monogamy so I wanted to support Eric’s relationship. I also wanted to honor his girlfriend and only play with Eric if we could all play together.

The Madonna and Whore archetypes are in all of us. Both are remarkable extremes in their own right. I intimately know my Madonna and my Whore, and my life is an exercise in integrating them. It’s way beyond just being “a lady in the streets but a freak between the sheets.” I love both of them and so they love each other. I offer each a seat at my well-lit table and that is where they are able to break bread.

Read more from Ellie Burrows at Ellieburrows.com

@_ellieburrows_

NEED-TO-KNOW: FAMILY CONSTELLATIONS THERAPY

Posted on July 28, 2014November 5, 2018 by Ruby Warrington

Can a unique form of group therapy that seeks to define your role within your family heal generations-old inherited issues? Ruby Warrington goes swimming into the energy field with Family Constellations therapy…Image: Shane Small

A few months ago, with the help of French facilitator Marine Selenee, I experienced my first Family Constellations therapy session. Held at Marine’s chic studio apartment in downtown Manhattan, there were three other women present, each of whom played a different role in my Constellation, as did I for them. Many emotions were felt, and many tears shed, and afterwards I felt a sense of release, like something generations old had been worked out of my body at a cellular level.

I was instructed not to speak about my experience for two weeks, to give my mind and body time to integrate with the deep energetic work that had been done. And so I sat with my experience and simply watched on, as every area of my existence began to assume a subtly different and more dynamic form, all thanks to a shift in perception about my family situation – and by definition, myself. If our role in our own “family constellation” is at the root of our human experience, it’s what shapes our entire reality. Right?

How does Family Constellations therapy work? Consider this. Depending on your personal belief system, we all choose our parents, choose to be born in a certain place at a certain moment in time. In doing so, we also choose the unique set of circumstances (and issues) that this configuration gifts us to work with as our karmic lesson in this lifetime.

If that’s too much of a deep dive, then think instead about the question of “nature vs. nurture.” Are we born a certain way, or do the circumstances of our upbringing shape us as we grow? Would I be a completely different person if I was born into a different family in a different time and place? Or am I simply “me,” navigating life with the tools I’ve picked up along the way?

Using Family Constellations therapy, Marine works with the latter theory, the idea being that we repeat the negative patterns we see in our parents out of “loyalty” – they’re the people who gave us life after all, our tribe. We want to be accepted, so we want to be like them. But where these patterns go against our true nature is where we get stuck, where we feel pain – and also where we’ll find the biggest assignments for our personal growth.

I defy any soul currently enjoying this human experience not to have a single issue they can’t trace back to their family (see that ancient Chinese proverb; “they f*** you up, your mom and dad”). As Marine puts it; “90 percent of your issues don’t belong to you – and you pick most of these up before the age of six.” A century of psychoanalysis and talking therapy is entrenched in this understanding, and yet Family Constellations therapy seeks to journey beyond words in search of resolutions to these fundamental glitches in our operating systems.

The key lies in performing the surgery required, the severing of our attachment to our family members’ issues, on our emotional body, before the stories our intellect tells us about who, what and why we [*insert whatever your personal debilitating hang-up is here] have a chance to get a look-in; “Once you recognise that your behaviors and beliefs are not your own, it’s possible to see your true self, your own beliefs and purpose, more clearly,” says Marine.

But how, precisely? Before you embark on a mission to meet your own Family Constellation, here’s what you Need To Know…

• Psychotherapist and former Roman Catholic priest Bert Hellinger discovered Family Constellations therapy when living with the Zulu in South Africa, where the modality was used to resolve issues within the tribe.

• A Constellation can be performed by a group or one-to-one, with a facilitator to moderate. It is the facilitator’s job to do most of the talking; participants are simply asked to notice and express how they feel as events unfold.

• The facilitator begins by asking a few questions pertaining to the issue the participant wants to address. He or she then asks the people needed to bring about a resolution to find their place (whatever position feels right in relation to each other) within “the field.”

• The field, usually the space contained within the circle of the group or the room where the Constellation is taking place, represents the energy field where all souls and all generations exist together as pure spirit.

• In a session, actual family members do not need to be present – other members of the group are called on to “perform” these roles (not nearly as awkward or potentially embarrassing as it sounds).

• This may include family members who have passed, or any unborn children who are also part of the participant’s Constellation.

• Once situated within the field, the facilitator may also ask the different “family members” to recite key phrases relating to the issue in question (without ever going into the “story” – what, why, how) – again asking people to identify the emotions connected to these statements.

• Forgiveness may be asked, and apologies offered (again via the facilitator).

• Many tears may flow.

• A resolution occurs when it becomes evident which family member owns which emotion, behaviour or belief, allowing the participant to realize their own power to simply let whatever doesn’t “belong” to them go.

To find out more about Family Constellations or book a session contact [email protected] or visit Marineselenee.com

Marine will also be hosting group sessions ($60 per person) in Brooklyn, NY, on:

July 31st (6:30pm)
August 3rd (1pm)
August 7th (6:30pm)
August 10th (11am)

KUNDALINI CALLING: HEAVEN ON EARTH WITH GURU JAGAT

Posted on July 26, 2014November 4, 2018 by Madeline Giles

Guru Jagat is the outspoken face behind the Ra Ma Institute, the only all kundalini yoga studio in California’s Venice Beach. She talks to Madeline Giles about her vision for the Age of Aquarius, life on the 33rd parallel and outsmarting the Global Elite. Conspiracy theories or conscious debate? You decide… Images: Lisandra Vazquez

I moved to Venice Beach from Brooklyn on December 30, 2013 – and by January 7, three people had already mentioned Guru Jagat to me. I learned she founded and taught at Ra Ma Yoga Institute, the only all-kundalini yoga studio in Venice. Since I a) loved kundalini yoga (I practiced in New York, but not consistently) and b) operate by the rule of three – meaning if I hear something mentioned three times or more, I take it as a Divine directive to do it – I went to her class as soon as I could.

Guru Jagat begins each class with a 20-minute lecture seated in front of Ra Ma’s 60-inch gong (which was initially made for Van Halen). Whether she’s talking about astrology, her most recent meditative conversation with a Pleiadian priest, the influence of the Global Elite, the Piscean Age vs. the Aquarian Age or her all-white, probably vintage, always amazing attire – I always find myself laughing (she’s really funny!) and learning SO much.

I adore Guru Jagat because she isn’t afraid to talk about things most people disregard – and I, for one, want to hear all about how that one Lady Gaga song is actually a mantra used to control the masses (more on that in the Q&A below). Yet beyond that, and perhaps more importantly, she has an incredibly ability to make people feel like they belong.

I’ve experienced this firsthand several times since first stepping into Ra Ma a few months ago. In class, Guru Jagat acknowledges and personally welcomes all her students, whether they are first-timers or regulars. She offers a free dinner after Sunday night class, free daily Sadhana, endless amazing events, specific classes and workshops based on the planetary cycles, and magical, high-vibe mantra music via Ra Ma Records (she sings, too!). To me, Guru Jagat is a true embodiment of what it means to thrive as a magical person in a modern world.

In a world where many spiritual teachers (not that Guru Jagat would ever call herself that) walk their talk solely on social media and stage, Guru Jagat is setting a new example. She’s devoted to her students’ growth whether or not the livestream camera is on, and it’s a palpable aspect of her presence. If you’re unable to make it to Ra Ma in person, I highly recommend experiencing her classes online via Ra Ma TV.

Tell us about your journey into kundalini yoga. How did you become this cosmic warrior queen of Earth?
“Well, I’ll tell you…I had studied with the Osho people, the Encounter groups – I was doing the New Age circuit, yet when I walked into my first kundalini yoga class, I felt a massive opening of my crown chakra. New Age savvy as I was, I didn’t know what was going on. I later learned that’s not an uncommon experience for first-timers – the kundalini energy moves up the spine and that pressure opens up the crown chakra, which attributes to elevating your consciousness. I was lucky enough to be around when Yogi Bhajan was still alive, and I got major transmissions from that by studying with him in New Mexico as much as possible before he passed away. I’ve been trailblazing the forefront of the kundalini revolution since.

What do find most valuable about the kundalini yoga teachings?
Kundalini yoga is so accessible to anybody. It literally has more mass appeal than any other type of yoga, because anybody can do it – and by that I mean people in peak physical condition all the way to paraplegics can do some form of the yoga. This (points to turban) has kind of kept people from it, but at Ra Ma we’re working to debunk it without watering it down or apologizing.

That’s what I love about your classes. They’re so unique without comprising the integrity of the teachings, plus you lecture on subject matters that most people choose not to acknowledge – like the concept of the Global Elite…
“A bunch of people are joking that they’re going to take my quote and make it into a t-shirt, which is: “If the Illuminati can do it, we can do it!” It would be an amazing t-shirt! Basically, the whole Aquarian Age – this age of consciousness – is about taking our power back. The Global Elite know how to use the lunar cycles, the astrological phenomenons and the grid of the planet (latitude and longitude substantiates the grid). That’s their specialty, and they’ve used it in a certain way – and now, the Aquarian Age is about the masses accessing all that power and using it in a light way. The Age we just came from was all about the Elite having the power to control the masses, but now, thanks to the Internet, there are no secrets. Now the masses have the opportunity, and kundalini yoga helps people access this power and use it to evolve consciousness.”

You’ve mentioned in class about Ra Ma needing to be situated in a certain location so it can be on the 33rd parallel. Can you speak a bit more about that?
“Venice Beach is situated on the 33rd longitude degree, which also goes through all these other occult places on the planet. Kennedy was assassinated on the 33rd parallel, Yogi Bhajan’s yoga school in Florida is situated on it, and in the 2004 election the night before the debate, it made national news that Bush chose to spend the day in the middle of a Florida field with 40 farmers, while Kerry was touring around the major cities of Florida. Even the newscasters were like; “what is Bush doing?” Basically, he was specifically put on the 33rd parallel to soak up the energy – but that’s another story! Anytime you get the number 33, you’re working in the sixth dimension of reality – it’s a power place, a vortex. Yogi Bhajan told me when he was still alive that [my yoga studio] had to be between certain blocks on Lincoln Blvd. [in Venice] – and as particularly close to Rose Ave. as I could get it. If we were north of Rose, we would be on the 34th parallel, so it literally had to be here.”

What are your thoughts on people who dismiss things like this as conspiracy theory?
“Kundalini is the yoga of awareness, so practicing it we become aware of this information. It’s about what we do with it that matters. If you want to put yourself on this frequency, you actually see that the whole world is conspiring for your greatest good, and once you activate your brain centers in a certain way – at a certain vibrational frequency – you can’t go back to sleep. For lack of a better metaphor, once you go in and say, “I’m an addict” or “I’m an alcoholic,” you’ll never be able to go and use again the way you used to. I feel that a lot of the conspiracy theory rabbit holes are being used for fear mongering and money making, however, and that’s obviously not what we’re about.”

What is your vision for a society that fully integrates the teachings and energy of the Aquarian Age?
“In the vision of the Aquarian Age, there’s enough for everybody and the reason we’re here is to serve others. Our [collective] vow is to be actively and generously giving our gifts to the world and each other, and so everything we do becomes a creative and manifesting act. That sounds very utopian on some level, but it’s also very ordinary. In the Piscean Age, everything was compartmentalized. People said things like; “this is my yoga practice and then I go do whatever I do” – which was usually not in alignment with the yoga practice. Everything had a split and a chasm and a compartment. In the Aquarian Age, everything is integrated seamlessly.”

“My vision and my interpretation of Yogi Bhajan’s vision is that we are integrating all the activities of our regular, ordinary, householder lives into very extraordinary, spiritually connected experiences. Meaning that every moment, everything that we’re doing throughout the day – working, picking up kids, doing schoolwork or whatever we’re doing – we’re actively bringing elegance to the moment. It sounds poetic, but the actual practice is very intensive. It’s meditation in action. From that space, the more we are able to experience glimpses of inner peace, the more the world is going to experience glimpses of world peace. It’s totally and completely related.”

With all the changes happening in the world, how can we adjust? Especially for people who aren’t open to practicing kundalini yoga?
“The sound current and the breath creates a buffer, and in this technology we believe the sound current puts you at a certain frequency that then determines who you meet and who you don’t meet. Like frequencies are going to attract each other, so the more developed your frequency, the more sophisticated the interactions and opportunities that come your way are going to be. That’s why we’re focused on getting our songs and mantras out on Ra Ma Records. So many people are listening to my songs that would never go to a yoga class, but they’re getting an infusion of energy. Same thing with Ra Ma TV. I’ve gotten an overwhelming amount of emails and messages around the fact that people are having their parents or sisters or brothers or kids listen to my lectures. They’re not doing the yoga, they’re just watching the class, and they’re getting a transmission of energy through the sound current of my voice.”

Which is kind of amazing…
“We kind of downplay Ra Ma records and say, oh it’s just this fun little project – but it’s one of the most important things we’re doing. The songs on Ra Ma Records Volume 2 (released this past summer solstice) are all crossover tracks. Every single one could be played on the radio, and it’s going to happen. The thing is, the Global Elite also know how to use rhythm and sound to control the masses. It’s no coincidence that nobody knows any of the words from Lady Gaga’s biggest hit except for; “ra ra ra ma ma, ra ra ra ma ma” – it’s a mantra. So, if they can do it, we can do it!”

Check out Guru Jagat’s classes from anywhere in the world via Ra Ma TV. For a full schedule of classes at the Venice beach studio click here.

@mermadeline

SALUTE TO THE SUN: A YOGA SEQUENCE FOR LEO

Posted on July 23, 2014November 4, 2018 by Ash Bonelli

Enter Leo, and passionate, sunshine times are here. Ash Baker shares a simple yoga sequence and 2nd chakra meditation to honor your inner Lion, boost your creativity and cultivate the courage to truly love yourself and others. Image: Karolina Daria Flora

LEO
July 23 to August 22nd

Ruler: The Sun
Element: Fire
Modality: Fixed
Anatomy: The heart, spine & hair ( your Lion’s mane )
5th sign of the Zodiac

Queens & Kings rise to their cosmic throne this month! We are now entering the summery sign of Leo who worships the Sun, all things luxurious and leaps boldly into creative, fierce endeavors. This is a month of action rather than reaction, and for taking moments to connect with your inner child. Finding that magical place in your heart that defies logic and lives for the moment. Let these poses infuse your more solar side and add some sparkle to your courageous stride.

Surya Namaskar // Sun Salute // 3-5 rounds

A flowing salute to Leo’s ruler, the Sun. This simple series is great for beginners as well as the seasoned yogi. It will also help to alleviate some of the loveable but stubborn fixed nature that the Lion is known for.

Come to stand at the front of your mat. Feel your feet grounding downward by pressing your big toe mound, little toe mound and heel firmly against the floor. Scoop your tailbone slightly, giving the abdominals a slight inward moving squeeze. Draw your shoulders back allowing your collarbones to widen. Lengthen your neck by raising the crown of your head up towards the sky. Arms are softly at your sides with slightly open palms. Now you are in Tadasana or Standing Mountain Pose.

Take a deep inhale inflating the entire belly while simultaneously reaching the arms out and up, bringing the palms to kiss. Exhale and begin to fold forward with your arms following out to your sides like wings. Remember to create a hinge at your hips when you fold and keep a slight bend in your knees. Keep your back nice and flat until you reach your edge in the stretch. Then you can gently round the spine as you surrender to the fold. Inhaling, come up halfway, placing the fingertips on the floor or the palms to the shins. Exhale fold down again.

Inhale, place your hands on the floor and step or jump back into plank pose. Keep the tailbone tucked and engage your abdominal muscles. Exhaling, either bring the knees to the floor or keep legs lifted while slowing lowering down through Chaturanga push up position. Come all the way to the floor. Inhaling, with hands next to your shoulders, press up into Cobra or Upward Facing Dog.

Exhaling, bend the knees and press back and up into Downward Facing Dog. Root down through all ten fingers especially the thumbs. Press your hips up towards the sky and ground your feet into the floor, at least do so energetically if the heels don’t reach.

While in Downward Dog we are going to add in Lions Breath! A little pause to honor our inner fierceness. Inhale deeply through your nose and exhale with an open mouth while simultaneously sticking your tongue out. Let the exhale be forceful, making a “ha” sound. Do three to five rounds of this breath each time you come into Down Dog. Take this opportunity to let go of anything negative in your inner landscape that may be hindering your growth or creativity. With each exhale imagine yourself releasing that negative attachment. The “ha” sound is you laughing at your fears. Just as any lion would do.

Walk or hop the feet up to meet the hands coming into a forward fold with a slight bend in the knees. Take your hands to your shins or take your fingertips to touch the ground and come up half way with a flat spine. Reaching forward with the crown of your head, take an inhale. Exhale and fold forward once more. Inhale while rolling your whole body up to stand from the ground up. Keep your knees slightly bent, allow your spine to unfurl and reach the arms to the sky. Bring the fingertips to touch, collect yourself, your intentions and place them before your heart with prayer hands.

Heart to Heart time.

Now that your body is warmed up we can move onto some more static yet deeply powerful postures. This next pose is a great way to open your heart and lungs. Leo rules the heart, and not in the way you may think. They can be great romantics but they are not the kind to wear their heart on their sleeve. It takes genuine courage to truly open your heart to another person, which is why harnessing Leo like courage within our bodies and towards ourselves is so powerful. The more we open to vulnerability with strength and grace, the more we can offer the ones we love.

Camel // Ustrasana

Come to hands and knees. Go through a few rounds of cat/cow just to get a nice spinal flow forwards and backwards. Then come up on your knees. If you have crabby knees like I do, take a blanket or towel underneath them. Take your hands to your lower back with the fingertips pointed towards the floor and begin to press your hands downward. You should feel your lower back lengthening and your collarbones widening. Just stay with this for 3 rounds of breath.

Then take one arm behind you grabbing your heel or ankle. Stay there breathing for a moment and then take your other arm behind you clasping your heel or ankle.. Draw your shoulders open, tuck the tailbone down while also drawing the top of your hip points up and inward. This will naturally engage your abdominals. Stay in this pose for up to 1 minute if there is no pain in your low back or knees.

Once released take your hips to your heels, reach the arms out in front of you and rest your forehead on the floor. Allow yourself to surrender to your heart’s requests. Breathe deeply for a minute.

Locust Pose // Salabhasana

Now that the front of your body is open and ready to receive, we will strengthen the back of the heart. Leos also rule the back which is key in developing self courage. Many of us are courageous in the name of others but not so much for ourselves. We always have a choice and it requires deep work to not always be a people pleaser! The Lion speaks his truth with fearless ease.

Plus this pose always makes me feel like Superwoman!

Come onto your belly. Keep your arms along your sides, point the fingers and let your forehead rest on the floor. Inhaling begin to unfurl your head, shoulders and chest upwards. Allow the arms to follow the upwards motion like you are in flight! Keep pressing the pubic bone and belly towards the floor to keep your low back supported. Now begin to zip up the legs by squeezing them together and engaging your glutes. With pointed toes begin to lift the legs up. Now all limbs should be flying. Breathe and feel how strong you are. Hold this for five rounds of breath. Come back down, releasing for a few seconds. If you feel energized by this pose go into it once more.

Make your way into Childs Pose.

If you need a little help softening or just want a sweet pose this month try a Yin heart opener – Yin being the soft, receptive and cooling side of the circle. Use this to say to the Universe that you are open for business, fearless and ready for what’s next.

You will need two blocks, a bolster or blanket and a pillow.

If you don’t have a bolster just roll up a blanket. Place your bolster or blanket horizontally across your mat. Come down onto your back with the blanket just under the tips of your shoulder blades. This will create a nice opening in the chest. Draw your feet to touch creating a diamond shape with the legs. Place a block under each knee allowing the legs to gently relax into the stretch. Your arms should be outstretched to the sides comfortably. Lastly, take your pillow and place it under your head. You should feel fully supported and safe. Stay here for as long as you need.

Sun meditation // 2nd chakra

This would be a great meditation to do while in the supported Yin pose, but if you prefer you can sit cross legged on a pillow with the hands gently resting on your legs. The 2nd chakra, Svadhisthana, is the seat of our creativity and passion. Leos are pleasure hunters, and it’s our energetic pleasure hub and. When one has a clear connection to this chakra they are in tune with their feelings, desires and can communicate that easily to others. This is the birth place of artistic divinity and when flowing freely we experience pleasures in every moment.

Close your eyes. Take one hand to your heart and one to your belly. Really feel both areas of your body and picture them being harmonious in their communications to each other. What seeds do you want to plant within yourself? Where do you want to be more open? More creative? How could you cultivate more pleasure in your life? The answers to these questions are your seeds.

Now imagine a garden within yourself filled with all your favorite plants, flowers and creatures (unicorns are welcome!) Take all of those seeds (desires) and start to plant them in the dirt, knowing in your heart what they will look like in full bloom. Look up and see a big, radiantly beaming Sun pouring down upon your garden, nourishing all you have sown. Feel the warmth and know that you are actively pursuing the things in life you want or need. Again you are courageous and always have a choice. Just stay here breathing, opening and surrendering to your own strength.

Monthly Mantra: I am the ruler of my heart, my strength and all things contained within my inner kingdom.

SILENCE, PLEASE: DIARY OF A VIPASSANA MEDITATION RETREAT

Posted on July 6, 2014November 5, 2018 by Ruby Warrington

Man it can get LOUD out there. Have you ever considered shutting down the noise and embarking on a 10-day silent Vipassana meditation retreat? Sarah McKinney shares the experience that left her “more integrated, and whole.” Images: Karolina Daria Flora.

I’d always been fascinated when people said they’d gone on a 10-day silent meditation retreat, in the same way I’m fascinated by people who tell me they run marathons, my usual reaction being: “That’s so awesome — for you.” But this past October, when one of my yoga teachers strongly recommended Jack Kornfield’s 37th annual spring Vipassana, something inside of me sparked, and I knew it was time for me to experience it for myself.

I’d been trying to “should” myself into establishing a daily seated meditation practice for a while, but couldn’t get it to stick. I’d rationalized that yoga was a moving meditation. I’d done maybe a dozen or so 30-minute guided meditations, and had sat quietly for five-minute meditations countless times.

But I knew that meditating in silence for hours every day, for 10 days in a row, would be like learning to swim in the deep end. I felt a little nervous, but also confident that I had the tools needed to process whatever thoughts or emotions might come up. And I was comforted by the fact that Jack’s retreat didn’t require 100% silence.

We were allowed to talk during three different meetings with teachers — one small group, and two one-on-ones, when they would check in on how we were doing and offer some perspective and advice. There was a brief Q&A period at the end of one morning and one afternoon sit each day, giving students the opportunity to ask questions that pertained to their practice. And during the working meditations we could exchange words related to our jobs.

We were also told it was okay to jot down some notes if we felt the need — particularly permissible during the Dharma talks every night, when the teachers would share various lessons from the Buddha. But we were told to avoid eye contact whenever possible, the point being to help us stay focused on our internal experiences. There would also be no reading or use of technology, and any kind of sexual conduct was disallowed.

I’d been warned that the first few days on retreat were often the most difficult — the “settling in” period, they called it. I’d assumed this was because people had repressed traumatic or abusive experiences from their past that suddenly rose to the surface, and I half-hoped I’d be gifted with something surprisingly dramatic and juicy. But instead what I experienced was intense boredom, impatience, fantasy thinking, planning, sleepiness, and intermittent frustration that there wasn’t more instruction given.

The teachers said they were intentionally keeping it simple to start us off, telling us to just keep coming back to our inhale and exhale, and our right and left foot, as we alternated between 45-minute sitting and walking meditation periods.

The walking meditation was not like walking for exercise, or even walking to get from one place to the next. The point was to maintain single minded focus — feeling the weight shift from heel to toe, or from the left to right side of our body, stopping if we noticed something in our surroundings to really observe it before returning to our footsteps.

By afternoon I could hear the cars zooming down the nearby highway and pictured myself running across the desert, yelling; “Save me! Take me away from the land of the slow, where people walk like zombies of the night!” I was entertaining myself — preferable to maintaining single-minded focus, apparently.

When the teachers would release us from sitting meditation saying, “enjoy your walking period” with their Buddha smiles, it felt mildly torturous. Like being told to go enjoy just one sip of wine, or one chocolate chip. But I practiced contrary action, and tried to do what I was told.

On the second day we began receiving more instruction — my thirst for guidance, quenched! During one of the morning walking meditations I became momentarily captivated by the most beautifully bright little yellow flowers growing on a tree, surrounded by soft white fluff. And then a few steps later, by a delicate purple flower growing out of a brittle cactus — the symbolism made me smile.

I sat on a bench during lunch, mindfully chewing and savoring the different textures and flavors per the teachers’ suggestions, and noticed that the Koi pond I was gazing at was particularly green — like a Matcha green tea latte. Looking up I observed a large bush covered in white flowers, and then another one with pink flowers. How had I missed all this the day before? I watched a tall narrow tree bend in the wind as I listened to the chirping birds, my hand clasping a warm cup of tea. I felt the weather beginning to shift.

My working meditation was breakfast set up from 6 — 6:45am. I was grateful for something to do. My working partner was a woman named Margo who I had an immediate affinity for. She was in her late 60’s and (I later learned) a poet, and a writing teacher. She had a son around my age and lived in San Diego with her husband — a man who’d been going on silent meditation retreats for decades. This was her fourth.

We’d occasionally break the rules and whisper to each other; “How are you doing?” Knowing she was having a hard time with the meditations too made me feel less alone. Margo felt like my version of that guy in Eat Pray Love who called Elizabeth Gilbert “Groceries” — she was my friend. Occasionally we would make accidental eye contact when passing each other on the grounds, and sneak smiles.

Throughout my entire life people have commented on how cold my hands are and my go-to response has always been; “cold hands warm heart!” But during the seated meditations I could feel my hands burning with heat as they rested on my thighs, and I remembered an energy worker telling me once that the hands become warm when you are in your body and out of the analytic mind.

And so I began using my hands as my barometer for how much I was “dropping in”, and allowing myself to feel. As that was apparently what we were here to do. “How does that feel in your body?” the teachers frequently asked, when students would share their various mind states, and laughably relatable neuroses. The goal was equanimity, which merely means to observe our feelings with a balanced perspective, to enable us to respond appropriately.

I was less sleepy by day three, but still pretty bored, and the fantasy thinking had been going into overdrive, carrying over into my sleep. I dreamt I was having sex with someone I’d though about going to bed with, and quickly thanked my subconscious for having taken note before realizing some old familiar feelings were present too— insecurity, performance, validation seeking. Leftover residue from a life so busily lived that not everything can be fully processed.

Lying in bed, I decided to envision how I’d like to feel having sex with this person — safe, comfortable, playful, fully in my body, ripe with desire, generously giving, the embodiment of “yes.” “Much better,” I noted to myself, as I reached down to my suitcase for some clothes, and then began my walk to the dining hall.

I was surprised that I didn’t miss technology at all, given how obsessively I tend to check it at home. Or exercise. We did have Qigong at 3:15 every afternoon, which gave us a chance to move our bodies, albeit slowly. It was taught by a German man named Franz Moeckl who was so charismatic that all the ladies started giggling the moment he appeared, and then again when he spoke. It became one of my favorite parts of each day, but after about 15 minutes I was still checking my watch — what’s next.

I came to enjoy the simple foods. No seconds. No desire for more. Though I did find myself hoarding a bit — taking an apple at breakfast in case I wanted it later, and one night I wrapped three dark chocolates in a napkin and slipped it into my bag, anticipating a future desire for sweetness, or simply something to look forward to.

I placed them in the freezer of the mini fridge in my room, and took some comfort in just knowing they were there — like an active alcoholic stashing bottles around the house, or a smoker who’s trying to quit but keeps a few cigarettes in a secret drawer, just in case.

I also discovered that one of my roommates was from Australia, due to her being an active sleep talker — it’s like her subconscious found a loophole and was going to town. She had full on conversations that began around 4am, and one morning I nearly laughed out loud when she blurted out in her thick accent; “Well yes, that’s a very large hemorrhage.”

As for the internal work I’d been expecting? On day five I was greeted with an onslaught of anger and resentment, and found myself intensely preoccupied with planning a conversation that I’d decided I needed to have with a friend about how I couldn’t show up and be authentically supportive of her recent decisions.

I explored every angle, and couldn’t seem to find a way to say it that wasn’t charged with judgment and righteousness. In the afternoon we were guided through a forgiveness meditation, and it became clear that the person I’d been planning to “de-friend” was actually an undeniable amalgamation of all of the wounded parts of myself that I’ve worked hard to heal.

She was all of my jagged edges and broken pieces hanging in a wind chime, clanging just outside my door. The walking instruction given was to silently say with each step; “I forgive you. Please forgive me. I forgive myself.” The anger dissipated.

By now I couldn’t seem to access the fantasy thinking anymore — I missed it, and even when I reached out for it, there were no hooks to reel it in. Instead I was left with a near-constant internal narration of my present-time experiences. A ladybug would crawl on my shoe and I’d hear myself say; “Today, a ladybug crawled on my shoe.”

The voice sounded a little bit like that of an older man, maybe Billy Collins or Garrison Keillor — someone with a lot of time on their hands, and a keen attention to detail. It kept me company, but was also kind of annoying.

I also found my mind frequently drifting to things I’d written — poems, mostly — or ideas for new things, based on what I was experiencing on retreat. I’d notice their presence and label them “reciting” or “writing,” letting them float away like clouds so I could return to my breath, or footsteps.

I mentioned this pattern to a teacher during one of my meetings and she asked me to explore how it might feel if I didn’t write about my retreat experience. Little daggers shot out of my heart; “No, I’m not interested in not writing. This is my first silent retreat — maybe next time,” was my response.

She asked me to explain why, and it really came down to a feeling that all of my experiences must be productive. Who am I, and what is my value, if I don’t have anything to show for it?

I smiled when trying to imagine any of my family members doing this retreat. Particularly my Dad — a man who attempted to weed my Grandma’s entire front garden while we were locked out of her house for 20 minutes once. I sat on the front step and watched. He eventually looked up at me, both hands filled with weeds, and evaluated his work, saying, “Well, I’m not sure how much I’ve really accomplished here.” I responded, “But at least you kept busy, right?”

I tease them all for being so Type A. In our family, the question, “How are you?” is most often answered with a list of things you’ve done since you last spoke, followed by another one of everything you plan to do in the immediate future.

Both my parents grew up in households that were very unpredictable so they’ve created a pretty structured approach to life, and it’s worked well for them. I on the other hand, grew up in a household that was very predictable, so have been left craving less structure and more fluidity — the pendulum swings.

By now I was beginning to experience some pretty blissed out states — my body nearly always tingly and pulsing with my heartbeat. Like when you just wake up from a deep sleep, and just lie there, too peaceful to move. I could also feel a strange pressure in my forehead, like it was opening up and pushing dense material off to the sides.

I still refuse to call this my third eye, but I know enough about energy centers to understand that’s what it was —and that I was tapping in to that concentrated spaciousness, a dark expansiveness, the limitless sea of consciousness.

As the retreat began to inch closer to the end, and my excitement about returning home reignited my planning mind, the mantra I kept repeating to myself during the walking meditations was simply; “I love you. Keep going.”

One day during a sit I decided to kill some time by scanning my entire body, starting at my toes and traveling all the way up to my head, and apologizing for what I’ve put it through — the pounding, twisting, spraining, scratching, bruising, burning, devaluing, starving, pushing, prodding, betraying, withholding, criticizing, ignoring and abandoning — and then thanking it for continuing to be there for me. Tears welled up in my eyes.

The mindful eating was also very healing. Being able to really tune into my body and feel the various stages of digestion, I realized that I often misinterpret digestion as hunger — back in my life of busyness — and don’t wait for it to pass. But in meditation, I could sit with those sensations and feel them as they moved through me. I was eating plenty, but my body continued to feel lighter, healthier and more free.

We broke silence the afternoon before our final day. We were told to partner up with someone and take turns listening and talking for three minutes each. Apparently I had been developing a silent friendship with the woman to my left over the course of the retreat, because once we spoke there was immediate comfort. She was here with her husband, and was four months pregnant. She’d had a hard time, and wanted to know how it was for me.

I struggled to adequately articulate what felt like such a diverse and detailed experience. “It was good,” I started in with, “It felt like a detox, and a self-amends. It was very healing, and very challenging at times, too.” We chatted on a bit more and were then asked to sit in silence again, and to feel the buzzing energy in our bodies that the talking had produced.

We were allowed to continue talking during dinner that night, but then it was back to silence for the 6:30pm meditation, the final Dharma talk, and through breakfast the next day. After packing up our rooms we all met one final time in the meditation hall for a closing ceremony — the teachers each giving us some advice on how to have a smooth re-entry, and keep our meditation practice up.

We were each given a red string, and asked to tie three knots in it — one to represent where we take refuge, one to represent compassion, and one to represent a promise we were making to ourselves. We then partnered up to tie them on for each other, and exchange a blessing.

Before heading back to Los Angeles I asked someone to take a picture of me standing out in the desert, so I could have something visual to remember the retreat by. I had the same dress on that I’d arrived in 10 days prior, but the woman wearing it felt different — more integrated, and whole.

I realized after driving away that I’d left the chocolates I’d taken from the dining hall in my room’s mini fridge. I guess I found the sweetness I expected to crave somewhere deep within myself instead.

Sarah McKinney is a poet, entrepreneur and songwriter, and the founder of Amp, an online directory of sustainability resources. She lives in Los Angeles. Follow her @sarahmck

For a full diary of retreats at Jack Kornfield’s Spirit Rock Insight Meditation Center click here.