In this mini-excerpt from her memoir, Messy Bitch Magic, author Ani Ferlise makes her self-pleasure practice a part of her rock solid, 4-hour morning routine …
“The anus is a portal to GOD!” my teacher’s voice bellows through my computer speakers, waking me from a sleepy haze. I slink from my desk onto the floor, covered in what are supposed to be lavish sheepskins but are actually yards of scratchy, questionable “material” from the glamorous “Joann Fabrics.”
It’s 4:45 a.m. I am up early ‘cause I’m next-level priestessing by embodying the Divine Feminine and training to be a spiritual sex and love coach.
I am in what I call the “magic room” of my new house with Rune. The magic room is a space all of my own with altars, flowy drapes, candles, and sheepskins (aka the hairy, itchy, dirt-cheap fabric that I may or may not be allergic to). Bouquets of dried flowers hang from the ceiling.
It is here that I start my mornings with my rock-solid, four-hour routine. I meticulously light my candles. There are about twenty of them, and they each have a different significance. I whip out my “rewiring the mind for success” journal prompts and write the same things over and over again, channeling all of my energy into changing my brain so I can stop sabotaging myself, heal up, and lean into my pleasure and my power. Again.
Once my brain has been reset, I sit in front of two mirrors and start a breathwork practice. Deep, slow, inhale in the mouth; long, extended exhale without a pause after. Then I begin my daily self-pleasure practice. No porn, no thoughts or fantasizing; I’m just supposed to breathe, feed my body pleasure and then, when I orgasm, send out a prayer for what I need.
The pseudo-sheepskin and fallen dried-out flower petals itch my thighs as I lay there spread eagle, staring blankly at a whitewashed picture of Mary Magdalene on my mirror altar as I furiously masturbate—I mean self-pleasure—in a hazy, glazed over state.
That’s right. Ya girl got her shit together. I have a magic room. I’m a good partner. I’m building a business. I’m softening and healing. I’m facing my shadows. I’m learning. I’m blessed. I’m grateful. I’m amplifying my pleasure.
I also (still) fucking hate my fucking life.
I “cum” and it feels like my pussy sneezed.
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Messy Bitch Magic by Ani Ferlise will be published on February 28, 2023. Learn more and pre-order your copy HERE.
